Tag Archive | "john boehner"

The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th


Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America. Read the full story

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Media Hosts Fear Hyperbole Has Desensitized Viewers and Destroyed Credibility


MediaWatch has concluded a study asking cable news media hosts to rate their performance in reporting on the debt ceiling talks in Washington.

A whopping 67% of MSNBC hosts believe they have pushed the envelope too far and are fearful that once the debt ceiling crisis has fully wound down, without having inflicted the kind of pain predicted, they will all be seen as Chicken Littles.

In fact, Rachel Maddow is so mad at herself, she’s not been able to step in front of the camera this week at all except to make more dam commercials for MSNBC. Read the full story

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GOP Claims Use of Categorical Denials Indicates Supreme Leadership Skills


The Daily Trough reports that Grand Old Party Speaker of the House John Boehner has categorically denied political and special interests in current GOP debt-ceiling strategies.

A spokesperson on behalf of the party, who wishes to remain anonymous, has said, “We categorically reject that our aim is to obstruct any and all efforts by the Obama administration to work out a compromise. We are absolutely interested in compromise and serving the people of this great nation. Read the full story

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Crayola Announces New “John Boehner Orange” Crayon Color


Pumpkin Place, Ohio (GlossyNews) —The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

The iconic Crayola crayon company announced it will introduce a new crayon color, “John Boehner Orange,” based on what it calls the “distinctive, even unique, hues and shades” of the House Speaker’s perpetual tan.

Sources say the new Boehner-inspired color is a carefully crafted mixture of Crayola’s classic Burnt Orange and its newer Neon Carrot and Mango Tango hues. Read the full story

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Steps to Remedy Sophomoric Behavior Expected at SOTU Address


Whoever came up with the term “date night” to describe the seating arrangements anticipated at the President’s State of the Union Address on Tuesday night has a good handle on just how juvenile the behavior of some of our lawmakers has become. When it comes down to actually having to physically require Democrats to sit with Republicans and vice versa to give the appearance of bi-partisanship, we are in deep, deep trouble. Read the full story

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Prince Elected as New Chairman of Republican National Committee


Reince Priebus, or Prince Rebus as he his known to friends and family, was elected today as Chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC). The Prince replaces outgoing Chairman, Michael Steele, whose leadership of the RNC has been fraught with controversy and accusations of everything from mishandling of funds to creating divisiveness among the RNC members. Read the full story

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Obama Signs New Jim Crow Bill into Law


Washington D.C. – Continuing a perfect record of being a doormat for the Neo-Fascists, President Obama signed a reverse civil rights bill into law today. Specifically, the bill addresses the ire of restaurant owners who are tired of serving pesky colored people, and gives a shot in the arm to drinking fountain and tacky sign manufacturers. Read the full story

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2011 Tall Tale Congressional Cocktail


Just in time for New Years festivities, try to see if you can stomach this tasty treat from the hill.

1 Tea Bag with string
2-3 minutes of warm John of Orange tears
2 jiggers VS cognac
1 dash bitter Rand
Cracked Cantor ice
club soda
Garnishes: twist of Pence; l’eye of Newt.

In a cocktail shaker, muddle a Tea Bag in 2 oz of warm John of Orange tears, add 2 jiggers of cognac, stir in a dash of Rand for bitter balance. Add cracked Cantor ice & shake till blue. Pour into a high ball glass, top with club soda. Garnish with a Pence twist & a sleezy l’eye of Newt.

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John Boehner Claims Unemployed Should Work for Their Benefits


Republican House Speaker hopeful, John Boehner, recently commenting on the vote to extend unemployment benefits for the nation’s millions of unemployed workers, claimed that no one in this country should be getting a free ride. “If the unemployed want to collect unemployment benefits, then by God they should have to work for them” was the sentiment from Boehner. Read the full story

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Time’s POTY 2010


SILICON VALLEY — Facebook, the third largest country on planet earth, eclipsed a sizeable number of groups and became TIME‘s Person of the Year–2010.

Well, ok, ok —the site didn’t technically win, but its owner, Zuckerberg did win. And that gives the world’s newly honored ‘F’ word its 800# gorilla world status. Or whatever the 600+ million person equivalent weight of this gorilla is. Read the full story

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Orange Man Boehner Delights Chinese Business Leaders, Disappoints Constituents


DAYTON, Ohio (Glossy News) –The Chinese, often characterized as “the yellow race,” have found a new friend in a man whose face color reminds them of their grandfathers when angered — orange. There is an old saying in China that goes something like “when my yellow grandfather gets a red face, he is an orange ogre.”

Businessmen from all over China have begun telling this ancient tale again after meeting and speaking with John Boehner, who, for all intents and purposes, has become the number one link between China and the United States Chamber of Commerce. Read the full story

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GOP Announces “No Millionaire Left Behind” Tax Reform


PARK PLACE HOTEL, NY (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In the latest Congressional wrangling over tax policy, Republicans proposed sweeping new reforms, dubbed “No Millionaire Left Behind,” that would permanently slash taxes for the wealthiest Americans.

“The American people would rather starve than see our most successful citizens hit by higher taxes,’” said GOP House leader John Boehner. “And my proposal takes an important step in that direction.” Read the full story

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GOP Pledges Rich Can Get Richer, Sick Can Die Broke


Wornolde Points, Ohio (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. News organizations around the world are analyzing the political, economic and policy implications of the recently released GOP “Pledge to America.” But the story doesn’t end there.

In an exclusive interview from his favorite tanning salon, GOP House leader John Boehner revealed ten additional promises in the Pledge to America that “didn’t make the first cut, but make a lot of sense.” Read the full story

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Boehner Promises Nothing From GOP


Orange, OH (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle.

House leader John Boehner vowed that if the GOP captures control of Congress this November, it will do “absolutely nothing for as long as necessary.”

Speaking to an association of tanning salon owners, Boehner candidly unveiled his party’s legislative strategy for 2011 and perhaps beyond. “Republicans strongly believe government cannot achieve much of value,” Boehner said. “And if we are successful this November, we will prove it.” Read the full story

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Republicans Suffering from Short-Term Memory Loss


There is worry in this country that too many in the Republican leadership have been smoking too much pot for too long. Evidence is mounting indicating that many of their leaders are suffering from short and long term memory loss.

An example of this are recent comments by House Republican Leader John Boehner stating “It is time we had grown-ups running the economy” overlooking the glaring fact that they themselves had George W. Bush running the show for eight very long years. Read the full story

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Boehner Boned – Sources Report Complete Liver Failure


Dayton, OH – John Boehner, the house minority leader, except inasmuch as he’s never represented a minority, is suffering from advanced liver disease, according to a medical billing rep at his primary care doctor’s office in Dayton, Ohio. This is apparently the cause of his orange hue, not the spray-on tanning alleged by his detractors. Read the full story

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