Tag Archive | "john boehner"

Obama Apologizes For Post-election Hubris


Barack Obama has reportedly done a complete about face. Having encountered widespread criticism for the tough stance he took in his post-electoral press conference, the President has decided to take a more conciliatory approach with his Republican opponents.

“I’m really sorry about last Wednesday,” said Obama.

“The fact of the matter is I inadvertently switched speech texts and mistakenly brought along part of one about dealing with terrorists to the press conference.” Read the full story

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It Turns Out That Everything Is Obama’s Fault


It seems as if Barack Obama is getting blamed for everything. The Republicans are blaming him for every foreign hotspot including Iraq, Ukraine and Israel.

Every domestic problem also seems to be the President’s doing, so much so that the Republicans led by Speaker of the House John Boehner even launched a lawsuit against him.

At first, I thought all this was overkill. After all, how can one man be responsible for so many things going wrong? But then it occurred to me: the Republicans are on to something good here. It’s kind of like the dog-ate-my-homework all-purpose excuse – Obama did it. Read the full story

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John Boehner Found Mummified in Tanning Bed


Washington D.C. – Speaker of the House, John Boehner, known for his orange hue and lack of spine when it comes to politics, was found this weekend in a dried-out, mummified state inside a tanning bed at a local salon.

The Republican congressman from Ohio was found by a worker at the salon when Boehner hadn’t been seen for several hours and the employee thought they smelled something like BBQ rat smoking on a grill. Read the full story

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GOP Agrees to Raise Debt Ceiling (if 19th Amendment Repealed)


House Majority leader Eric Cantor and Republican House Speaker John Boehner agreed to a short-term budget and debt ceiling increase of 7-9 days, so long as women’s right to vote is repealed. Democrats considering the measure.

The government shutdown is in its third week, and with the debt ceiling crisis only hours away, House republicans lead by serial killer sympathist Dave Reichert (R-WA) have come up with the first compromise that doesn’t involve de-funding the Affordable Care Act.

“It’s simple,” said Reichert, from his still-fully-staffed Washington office, “If the Democrats agree to repeal the 19th amendment, we’ll allow this rampant, destructive spending practice to continue another week or so.”

Dave Reichert is famous as the man who let convicted murderer Gary Ridgeway roam the streets for decades while pursuing dead leads against a cab driver, who ultimately was destroyed by the scandal.

“We’ll cave to pretty much anything at this point,” said Democratic Senate Majority Leader and wet towel Harry Reid. “They’re [the GOP] ready to drive the entire world economy off a cliff to placate the fringe of their party, and we [Democrats] just want stability in the world.”

When asked if Democrats were once more being spineless in the face of Republican obstinance, Reid answered, “Next question.”

President Obama indicated he would sign the bill, but indicated he may use the line-item veto to take out the part about restricting the right of women to vote.

House Republicans, eager to balance the budget, have repeatedly proposed stripping out the Medical Device Tax, which would add roughly $40 billion to the deficit in the next ten years. It makes no sense, but you have to look at it from their perspective, which is that Obama is a Kenyan Muslim Socialist, and in that light, while it still makes no sense, at least makes you feel something inside.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas went on air late last night saying, “The bill doesn’t go far enough. Women shouldn’t vote, we have enough votes in both houses to prove it. But women also shouldn’t be driving. What is this, Saudi Arabia where a small handful drive sometimes with impunity?”

Imams from Bob Jones University and Focus on the Family agreed that this is only a small step toward resolution, and that when the issue comes up again in about a week, further deep concessions will be required from the Democrats to keep the government from destroying the world economy and throwing a hundred nations into economic turmoil.

Former Speaker, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said, “We are open to discussions.”

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Make No Mistake, This is a Republican Shutdown


Make No Mistake, This is a Republican Shutdown
FOX News and conservative radio like to make out the issue as “both sides are to blame,” or more commonly just casting blame solely on the Democrats, but that’s just not true.

The Republicans are to blame. Period. Read the full story

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John Boehner Finishes Another Pint of Whiskey


John Boehner (R-Ohio) said Tuesday that he wants to have a “conflagration” with President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats over the government shutdown and deadline to raise the debt ceiling.

“I wanna half a conflagration, I’m not drowl… drowning any lines in the sand,” he said at a press conference, barely managing to stand alongside fellow members of the GOP leadership. “There’s isn’t any boundaries here, muffins off the table, butter there’s a lil-little something under the table! Hah!!” Read the full story

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Obama Meets with Republicans; Shows Them His Spine


President Barack Obama finally sat down with John Boehner and Mitch McConnell to discuss how to end the stalemate over the funding of government. Unfortunately, neither side could make the concessions needed to end the standoff.

Upon leaving the meeting about an hour after it started, Obama gave a quick press conference in which he shared with the world that, he does have a spine. Read the full story

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Britney Spears Delivers Message to John Boehner: “Work B**ch”


WASHINGTON — In an odd turn of events yesterday, Pop Icon Britney Spears weighed in on the current Capitol Hill gridlock with a message aimed squarely at Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).

According to Spears, “You better work bitch (x4).”

While Spears did, in fact, deliver the message via a music video, the 31-year-old singer claims the Youtube hit was somehow leaked prematurely with falsified lyrics. Read the full story

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The Myth of the GOP Repeal & Replace Talking Point


It was difficult for Republicans to fight against Obamacare. While they tried to vilify it, people actually liked what it stood for, and the rebate checks from premiums didn’t hurt either.

But in opposing something designed to fix a national crisis, you have to have a cure of your own. They didn’t have one, so they yelled “Repeal & Replace,” but years on, we can see they really had no ideas in the first place. Read the full story

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NRA: “F*ck It, Why Have Laws At All?”


WASHINGTON — In a decisive move, federal lawmakers are expected to push a bill through both houses that would repeal every gun control law that ever existed in the U.S. dating back to the Articles of Confederation.

According to sources on Capitol Hill, this new legislation comes on the heels of an NRA-funded campaign to bombard congressional Email accounts relentlessly with pro- 2nd amendment memes. Read the full story

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Republicans Force Illegal Immigrants out of the Country–305 Million to Leave Immediately


WASHINGTON D.C.–In a historic, and extremely surprising, turn of events for the land of the free and home of the brave, almost 90% of its diverse population has now found itself without a country or a home.

Yesterday, on Capitol Hill, Republican lawmakers successfully pushed through sweeping immigration reform with far-reaching implications. Read the full story

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John Boehner; the Heart of the Party Without a Heart


Speaker of the house, Republican Congressman John Boehner, today spoke out against the recent change in position of Republican Senator Rob Portman regarding the issue of marriage equality.

Senator Portman recently changed his position on marriage equality after relaying the news that his own son had decided to be gay.

» Discuss this story on Reddit!

Normally a story like this would gather the oohs and ahhs of the general population, but the speaker of the house decided to show just how firm their party was to any suggestion of being moved by any example of parental love that could possibly impact a human into changing any section of the republican party platform. Read the full story

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Boehner and Obama Vow to Fall Off Fiscal Cliff Together


As fiscal cliff negotiations stalled, Republican House Speaker John Boehner and Democratic President Barack Obama romantically declared that they would tumble over the fiscal cliff together “arm in arm”.

“I truly love that man”, Boehner said in reference to Obama. “I would gladly sacrifice myself and my political future for him”.

Obama was equally smitten with the Ohio congressman. “John and I have been through some tough times. But our love for each other has sustained us until now” Obama said as he glanced at a vase full of red roses provided by his former rival.

The two politicians seemed to constantly be at odds with each other and their romantic relationship caught many by surprise.

“I always thought Boehner was just some douche bag republican”, said New York sanitation worker Peter Gibbs. “Now I find out he’s got a soft, romantic heart!”

“I looked at Obama as being a real jerk”, said Mississippi stockbroker Jules Crabtree. “Now I think he’s a decent human being”.

Both Boehner and Obama said the fiscal cliff is not about the American people anymore but about two people’s undying love for each other.

“After we both go off the fiscal cliff America will be much better off”, a teary eyed Obama stated.

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Open Letter to House Republicans; It’s Time to Compromise


Listen guys, you still govern us, so I’m counting on you. No, We The American People are counting on you. We need real reform, and your party is in the position of power that can make that happen, so we beg you to help us, the little guys, instead of your faceless, often nameless, non-human financial sponsors.

Right: Republican Leaders showing a standard lobbyist-hosted lunch bill. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

I know when Obama was first elected your sole goal was to make him a one-term president and we can all see how well that worked out. So please don’t send the economy onto the frothy rocks just to make a political point. Obama is a judo master and he’ll turn it against you… but if you help America, you can get re-elected, or at least stop hiding when you go home to your districts. Read the full story

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Tea Party Raptured, Republican Leadership Abandons Christianity


GlossyNews.com – Every member of the Tea Party, Tea Party Patriots, National Tea Party Federation, Nationwide Tea Part Coalition and the People’s Front of Judea has disappeared without a trace.

Incidentally, sources in the Horn of Africa have reported the inexplicable appearance of several million loud, extremely irate, mostly diabetic and stark naked white people outside of a small village 80 miles to the west of Mogadishu. Read the full story

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Republicans Vote to Repeal Libya


Washington D.C. – Republican lawmakers today voted to repeal the country of Libya from the world for “causing too much trouble.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor held up a map, pointed to what he thought was Libya and proposed legislation to repeal the nation.

Democratic members of the House quickly explained to Cantor that he was actually pointing to the North Pole and that the map was actually a Macy’s Christmas catalog from 1998. Read the full story

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