Tag Archive | "evangelicals"

DUP Unsure Why They Find Jihadists Objectionable


The Democratic Unionist Party, not to be confused with the Worker’s Party of North Korea and the Taxpayers’ Alliance, have always been among the staunchest opponents of reactionary social norms and backward, superstitious obscurantism.

Well, at least when these civic abberations are coming from non-evangelical-fundamentalist sources, anyway!

But when challenged by perfidious Celtsman Andrew Neil of the BBC, DUP head establishment doorstop Darlene Whatever-the-Name-Is appeared to genuinely struggle to articulate why she considers the jihadist menace to be such a big deal.

The boisterous saffron superstar growled out:

C’mon now, lassie! You are supposed tae bee in gurnmint wi’ the Tooooouuuuuries! ‘N’ ye mean tee say ye dinneeeeevn knaw preciiiiisely warritiz aboot the jeehadeeeees ye dunt even like!

Flouncing Foster replied:

Well, to be fair tee ye, now, Andrewwwww, we just thought it was a wee bit ungodly, and all that there, now!

This comment was not well received.

Och now! Did yer ma drop ye on the head as a wean, Foster! Sure don’t the jeehadeeees clee-um tae be doin’ exactly the same thing as you folks!

A rather baffled Foster asked for further elucidation from the half-Anglified Bard o’ Bannockburn.

Spiky Andy responded:

Well, they think gay people, or as you folk call them, ‘Sodomites,’ are headin’ for the  eternal hellfire. And a weeman’s place is in the home. And people o’ ungodly accursed religions and other blasphemers shall undergo eternal punishment for their satanic wiles and blasphemies!

Immediately perking up, Foster muttered that if the DUP were open-minded enough to do a deal with Sinn Fein, they could probably stretch to a meaningful political compromise with the jihadists. After all, their religious and moral differences are fairly inconsequential compared to the vast gulf separating good godfearing Ulster Prods from the perfidious, Papish, Romish heure o’ Babylon!

 

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4K Glossy News Podcast 010 (9-28-15)


In my latest 4K/UHD podcasts, I cover a lot of ground, some of downright fascinating. Here are just a few of the topics:

This is available in 4K/UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

* Introduction segments come hot, heavy and frequent this week. Read the full story

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4 out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit Liking Dick


Support for Dick Cheney and former President George Bush to be prosecuted for torture appear to have fallen faster than an erection in Hillary Clinton’s presence according to inside sources.

Hard numbers from a recent survey revealed that most Republicans still support Dick Cheney as Vice-President, while Barack Obama’s poll numbers have apparently gone flaccid.

In fact, Cheney’s approval numbers continue to remain rock solid despite a spat of spectacular sex scandals that rocked the GOP a decade ago. Nostalgia surrounds Republican Senator Larry Craig’s 2007 arrest in a men’s airport bathroom.

While potentially incriminating on the surface, the Idaho Senator offered a turgid alibi for his behavior, which apparently wasn’t fear of flying.

For those who have slept since then, Craig denied that tapping his right foot, blocking the stall door with his luggage and grabbing the undercover officer’s leg was a signal to engage in lewd behavior.

Craig suggested that he was merely asking for “toilet paper”.

Later providing the arresting officer with a business card that identified him as a senator, Craig does admit that telling the officer, “Excuse me while I whip this out,” may have been a little too suggestive in a men’s room setting. But he refused to apologize for expressing his fondness for Dick.

“Dick made me what I am today,” he allegedly said just before being arrested.

Senator Craig’s encounter was only one in a daisy-chain of events placing prominent Republicans in the dim spot-light of public toilets.

Also in 2007 Florida Republican Bob Allen, a champion of anti-gay legislation and notorious Dick lover, was accused of offering sex to a black, undercover officer in a park restroom because he didn’t “trust him”.

To his credit, at least he didn’t try and shoot him. As if that excuse and $20 isn’t bizarre enough, Allen also sponsored a bill to crack down on soliciting sex in public parks.

If you read between the lines, it’s apparent that Allen is an advocate of just giving it away, rendering the need to solicit a moot point. As for the $20, that apparently was for “stimulating the local economy”.

OK, most people use “Johnson” instead of “local economy” as a euphemism but we can’t really criticize him for that.

When you add other prominent Republicans like Representative Mark Foley and evangelical Ted Haggard to the strange brew of fallen, staunchly anti-gay politicians, you discover the one thing they all have in common: they all like Dick.

Sure, Cheney probably appreciates the support and a variation on the old “I Like Ike” buttons might garner special interest attention. But without the comic genius of Karl Rove, it’s going to be tough to parlay the virtual transformation of the GOP into the “Gay Old Party”.

Only Rove could exploit the biggest piece of political parody since Dave Chappelle portrayed a blind Klan leader who didn’t know he was black.

Of course, some Democrats have demonstrated willingness to reach around…I mean across the aisle and meet the GOP halfway on many issues, especially when it comes to Dick. Dick Cheney has the heart of a Hoover Vacuum cleaner and brings people from many diverse backgrounds together to pound out the tough issues.

For instance, in 2010 Democrat New York Congressman Eric Massa abruptly resigned after only 14 months on the job amid allegations that he sexually harassed an underpaid staff member at a house Massa shared with four other staffers. Using the excuse it was simply a “tickle fight” the embattled Democrat found it unpopular at the time to admit his love of Dick.

Placed in this context, it is absolutely amazing the GOP has survived intact and re-taken both Houses while maintaining the illusion of moral authority. As long as Ted Cruz doesn’t get a Boehner around Rand Paul, it’s likely they’ll continue to hold the high ground on the down low.

“There are only two ways to fix this satirical situation,” snickered, Bill Clinton’s former political strategist James Carville. “Hand jobs to your critics and keep the jerks off the news.”

Clinton himself could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly, “Reorganizing his collection of chubby-chaser jokes from the mid 90’s.” Meanwhile even Hillary reluctantly admitted, “I like Dick ever now and then!”

Most would have sworn she was partial to Bush.

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“Yucky World” w/ Dick and Janey: Pro-choice Advocates Changing Tactics


Announcer: “National Review”, in its August 25th edition, noted that abortion rights supporters “are abandoning the label ‘pro-choice’.” However, NR goes on to note, a “sure substitute for ‘pro-choice’ has yet to emerge…” (p.10)

Georgia Ohwell, a pro-abortion activist, has a strategy based on a terminology change to revolutionize the dynamics of the abortion debate. She will be discussing this with talk show hosts Dick and Janey of “Yucky World”. Read the full story

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Evangelicals Just Say (Hell) No to Romney


GlossyNews.com – WASHINGTON, DC — Destruction wrought by Hurricane Sandy finds evangelicals staying home rather than casting a vote for Mitt Romney, Virgil Goode or Mickey Mouse.

The “Lord’s Will” movement initially organized to support evangelical voters in religious despair over casting a vote for a candidate with a propensity towards lying while holding steadfast to the basic value that honesty is a virtue; The Romney Doctrine. Read the full story

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Jesus Imaginary Christ: Snake Worshipers for Romney


GlossyNews.com – LEXINGTON — Appalachian state exit polls reflect 47% of snake worshipers scribbled an “X” for Romney while others claimed disenfranchisement of their right to vote.

Election Protection logged a number of phone reports claiming a Kentucky polling place denied entry to registered voters carrying snakes. Read the full story

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Huckabee Asks RNC Organizers if He Can Bring His Bass


TAMPA, FL – Gearing up to play a memorable part in the 2012 Republican National Convention this week, former Arkansas Governor and presidential campaigner Mike Huckabee has asked RNC organizers if it would be okay for him to bring along his bass guitar.

Offering to knock out a few Rolling Stones numbers during his 10-minute address, Huckabee insisted that “this will really get the convention swinging.”

“I just wanted to do a few riffs with the band,” said the 57-year-old. “I promise not to go overboard. Just three songs, and then I’ll let Condoleezza Rice have the floor. I swear.” Read the full story

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The Texas Abortion Gauntlet: It’s Runny


With Texas Governor Rick Perry signing a new bill requiring women to see a sonogram of their unborn baby before undergoing an abortion, into law, the nature of the abortion debate has changed nationwide.

The law in its current form requires a 24 hour waiting period and for photos of the developing fetus to be made available to the expecting mother. Governor Perry praises the law saying, “Every life lost to abortion is a tragedy we all must work together to prevent.” Read the full story

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Evangelicals Target Home Depot’s Despotism


To casual observers Kathy Klavan might seem just another middle class homemaker raising her children in this Atlanta suburb, but her heart burns with a defining passion. She wants Home Depot punished for its efforts to destroy America.

“Yeah, Calvin and I are very active in our community” said the attractive brunette from her Druid Hills home. “But I’m originally from the Chicago area, so I naturally take a wider view of what’s happening in our country.” Read the full story

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Taliban Starts Rightist Evangelical Branch in U.S.


The Taliban, recognizing the similarities between their doctrines and that of the Christian Right, have started an Evangelical Taliban branch in the U.S.

Spokesman Tali Wozati stated “Although Christian fundamentalists are heathen dogs who will burn in Hell fire for eternity, we find parts of their creed to be attractive- intolerance for anything not of your religion, repression of women, ignorance of individual rights, moral control over others and committing atrocities in the name of God to cite a few.” Read the full story

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