Tag Archive | "election day 2012"

Local Man Doesn’t Know Candidates, Votes Anyway


GlossyNews.com – Dayton, OH – Bill Jameon, local accountant and political apathetic, cast his vote today without knowing who the candidates were or what they stood for.

“I really just went by the sounds of their names,” Jameon admitted with a smile, “Obama just sounds cooler than Romney so I put a check next to that one.” Read the full story

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“Well-Hung Chad” Having Banner Day at Florida Poleing Station


GlossyNews.com – Well Hung Chad Boehner is a tall, beefy male escort in St. Petersberg, Florida. And by his estimation, he’s set to have the best day of his career.

“I [started] advertising on BackPage.com under the name “Well-Hung Chad” about a week ago, and I’ve got dates setup back to front to back all day long,” said Boehner from his Cutlas Sierra office. Read the full story

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Election Analysts Admit It’s Just Pin the Tail on the Donkey


GlossyNews.com – Washington D.C. – Today, insiders and employees at CNN News Headquarters revealed what’s really behind the incessant coverage that will make chronic channel surfers cry this Tuesday. And it’s not about democracy or nipple slips.

“Basically, we have a rager in the studio once every four years,” CNN reporter Andrea Witherspoon admitted, “That big board of states that turn red or blue and everyone points at on TV? Yeah, it’s not about people voting. It’s much too rock & roll for that.” Read the full story

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This Election Day: Don’t Vote, Stay Home and Pray


GlossyNews.comMy fellow Christians, there is only one immutable truth on this election day. It’s that God’s will reigns supreme and there’s nothing we can do to change it. So don’t get in your car and drive. No, get down on your knees and pray.

This theme has been on the internet for some years, and I have it on good authority that it was created by a man of faith, and that he did it in the run-up to the 2010 elections, which as you’ll recall, were very positive for the conservative movement. Read the full story

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Pennsylvania Poll Workers Suspiciously Republican


GlossyNews.com – Voters in Chester, Drexel Hill and Springfield were met with a surprising bit of help when they went to the polls this morning; free helpers. While these poll workers were outside of polling places, they were very ready to assist voters in finding their precincts.

“This nice young man in khakis and a white pressed shirt met me out in front of the place I normally go to vote,” said Norma-Jean Roberts, an African-American women in her 70s. “These nice young men told me I was supposed to be voting in North Philly. That’s clear across town!” Read the full story

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Romney Leads Among Schizophrenics


GlossyNews.com – CLEVELAND – A new Gallup poll released today finds that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney continues to trail President Obama in popularity among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, Asians, people with cell phones, people aware of the internet, and voters under the age of 30.

However, the poll also found that Mr. Romney has managed to gain strong support among a key demographic here in the battleground state of Ohio: voters with multiple personality disorder (MPD). Read the full story

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Florida Voters Stand Ready to Prevent Romney Zombie Apocalypse


GlossyNews.com – MIAMI – In a state plagued by natural disasters, exploding pythons, and the strangest politics on the planet, Florida voters are bracing for the latest horror — zombie apocalypse!

(This is a guest post from Rebecca Wakefield.)

Mindless walking dead consumed by a terrible hunger have been spotted in the Sunshine State, stalking residents preparing to cast their votes in the November election. Read the full story

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Local Man Ready to Get Out There and Make His Terrible Decision Count


GlossyNews.com – INDIANAPOLIS – After months of bitter debating, hard-line rhetoric and a torrent of political attack ads, local man Peter Hackley insists he is ready to get out there and make his terrible and ill-considered decision count Tuesday.

Basing his moronic and under-researched choice on nothing more than sentiments regurgitated to him by partial news media and talk radio hosts, Mr. Hackley – along with approximately 70 million other citizens – will commit the utterly profound mistake inside a designated local building at approximately 11:30 on Tuesday morning. Read the full story

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Microsoft Paperclip Endorses Mitt Romney


GlossyNews.com – The Microsoft Paperclip has declared that he is a Republican and has come to the aid of Mitt Romney with an 11th hour endorsement of the pro-corporate candidate.

The Paperclip is largely known for his letter writing interventions, but since declaring he is backing Romney for President, he has developed a special campaigning wizard feature, which is sure to be as appreciated as all of his other timely interjections. Read the full story

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Return of the Bride of ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’


GlossyNews.com – Mitch Couler, the Senior manager Of the Romney campaign in the D.C. area had recovered nicely from the seizures induced when he learned that both ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ and Dick Cheney both had come out in support of Romney and were insisting on delivering speeches in support of the candidate.

He came out of the illness so well, in fact, that he was able to return to work two days later, just a scant 9 days before the election. His recovery was soon to be curtailed, however, by “she who shall not be named.” Read the full story

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Romney Faceplate Cracks in Front of Iowa Crowd


GlossyNews.com – This morning, as the sun rose on the cornholing state, Mitt Romney stood in front of a gathered crowd of John Deere factory workers, when his robotic faceplate fractured and fell off of his robot face.

The crowd gathered remained fairly silent, even agape as it happened quietly clanked on the concrete floor. Read the full story

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LEAK: Paul Ryan Already Signed to Do Playgirl


GlossyNews.com – Before the dust can even settle in the 2012 presidential election, TMZ has received word that vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan has inked a 7-figure deal to shoot a full spread in Playgirl Magazine.

Robert Benson, an official Romney spokesman, had this to say at a press conference called early this morning to explain the situation, and spin it as a positive for the flagging campaign: Read the full story

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Reason 17 I’m Voting Romney: I Like His Hair


GlossyNews.com[Note from the Staff of Glossy News: We proofread the author Tim Jones’ rant below about why he’s switching his vote from Obama to Romney.

We uncovered a few minor errors in his analysis and felt compelled to insert corrections as needed. – the Staff of Glossy News] Read the full story

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Election Day 2012: Obama Starts Cleaning Out the Oval Office


GlossyNews.comThe White House With exit polls sliding against them faster than butter on a hot skillet, the current occupants of the White House are starting to realize that a moving date will be a reality in January, 2013.

Empty moving boxes first started to arrive discreetly as early as October 1st as the First Family realized that American voters were angry after four disgustingly inept years of anemic economic growth, and in the world’s eyes, a sliding leadership position with scattered decision making and an unacountable State Department causing four needless deaths in Bengazi, Libya. Read the full story

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Breaking News: Romney Shows Human Emotion


GlossyNews.com – In a rare break from election cycle protocol, Governor Mitt Romney was permitted to stand before a crowd of reporters, in what they all agreed was the very moment they had been waiting for in the 16-months they’ve been following his inhuman campaign.

Mitt Romney showed an actual human emotion. Read the full story

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Republicans Demand NASCAR Observers at Polling Places


GlossyNews.comTALLADEGA – Republicans in The Deep South are demanding that NASCAR officials be sent to all polling places to ensure a fair election.

Talladega Republican Party Chairman Larry “big cheese” Nelson said, “We can’t risk our people not being able to vote. And the only way to make sure things are fair behind those curtains is to send in NASCAR.” Read the full story

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