Tag Archive | "election day 2012"

Americans Flock to Polls Desperate to End Election Season


GlossyNews.com – Exit polls show that while voters split about 50-50 on which candidate they preferr for president, 99.3% agreed that they also voted just to bring an end to the election season.

“Oh, totally,” Miranda Kelly said, “One more day of the ads and I would have been drowning puppies.”

“At this point, I don’t care who wins,” Tom Yerkle agreed, “This shit needs to end. I really don’t even remember who I voted for and I don’t care.” Read the full story

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Election Day, Why Not Choose a Dictator?


Charles and David Koch
Koch Industries
666 Koch Avenue
Koch, Kansas

GlossyNews.com – RE: President of the United States

Dear Human Resources Manager:

I am applying for the position of President of the United States. Please find attached my resume. I’ve seen this ad running for several months now and I conclude that you have been unsuccessful in locating a suitable candidate. Read the full story

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Famous Magazines Make Their (Stupid?) Presidential Endorsements


GlossyNews.com – With election day at hand magazines are getting in on the political action with endorsements, often ham-handed ones, of their own. While some are obvious (oh really? NYTimes went for Obama and Wall Street Journal went for Romney? I’m shocked!) others have been more nuanced. Read the full story

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Gallup: Romney Defeats Truman


GlossyNews.com – Gallup, the oldest, wisest and arguably the most interesting polling firm in the industry, has shown some pretty, shall we say, peculiar results this election season.

But nothing compares to the statement issued 26-minutes ago by Gallup; “Romney Defeats Truman.” Read the full story

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Obama’s First Debate Loss; Foul Odor


GlossyNews.com – President Obama and the Democratic National Committee, in a surprising press release yesterday, accused presidential candidate Mitt Romney of intentionally dousing himself in Aqua Velva aftershave just before the Denver presidential debate with the intent of throwing the President ‘off his mark’.

“As I walked up to the podium,” recalled Obama, “There was this harsh, biting and very astringent odor like a mix of diesel fuel, ketone and knock-off brand Chanel No.5. After that I remember almost nothing.” Read the full story

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Gary Johnson Ahead 99 pts Among Non-Voters


GlossyNews.com – OHIO – In a stunning revelation, Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson is leading the nation by 99 points among people who have not voted, will not vote, or for other legal reasons cannot vote.

“So you mean this Gary guy likes weed and crowd surfs? Wow. Well that’s cool and stuff but I don’t vote,” said Cincinnati Municipal Jail inmate Todd Williams. Read the full story

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Jesus Imaginary Christ: Snake Worshipers for Romney


GlossyNews.com – LEXINGTON — Appalachian state exit polls reflect 47% of snake worshipers scribbled an “X” for Romney while others claimed disenfranchisement of their right to vote.

Election Protection logged a number of phone reports claiming a Kentucky polling place denied entry to registered voters carrying snakes. Read the full story

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Florida Breaks Early for Pat Buchanan


GlossyNews.com – The “Sunshine State” has been largely contested this election, with both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama leading at various times, but today’s exit polls suggest one clear winner: Pat Buchanan.

Buchanan was reached at his Virginia home early this morning, where he said, “Who is this? Why are you calling me. Do you know what time it is?” Read the full story

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Tea Party Raptured, Republican Leadership Abandons Christianity


GlossyNews.com – Every member of the Tea Party, Tea Party Patriots, National Tea Party Federation, Nationwide Tea Part Coalition and the People’s Front of Judea has disappeared without a trace.

Incidentally, sources in the Horn of Africa have reported the inexplicable appearance of several million loud, extremely irate, mostly diabetic and stark naked white people outside of a small village 80 miles to the west of Mogadishu. Read the full story

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Obama WILL Win Today, and Here’s Why


GlossyNews.com – Now while I’m no prognosticator in any official sense, what I am is supremely confident. Confident in an Obama victory, and a sound one at that, and here’s why…

I’m risking my reputation and going on the record right now telling you that Obama will win today’s election, and here’s how I know it: Read the full story

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November Surprise: Bush Hysterically Backs Barack


GlossyNews.com – In a surprise move, George W. Bush has endorsed Barack Obama in today’s election.

“I know you all must think I’ve been drunking crazy-water,” said Mr. Bush. “But the more I looked at that Barry fellows record, the more I realized that we have a lot in common. We both created trillion dollar deficits, both had to deal with ongoing wars [in Iraq and Afghanistan] and both had to spend a lot of time cleaning up bushes.” Read the full story

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3/5ths of Southern Blacks Vote for Obama


GlossyNews.com – With exit polls in and precincts already reporting in Georgia, Mississippi and South Carolina, one thing is holding true; blacks are voting 3/5ths for incumbent president Barack Hussein Obama.

We talked with Jerry Green, a double-amputee and 3/5ths African-American in Jackson, Mississippi who had just cast his vote. Read the full story

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Romney Ahead 99 Pts Among Those Who Think Twinkies are Vegetables


GlossyNews.comCINCINNATI – The latest exit polls are showing Mitt Romney is leading President Obama by an estimated 99 points among voters who think Twinkies are a vegetable.

The results would have actually been 100% but when one Romney voter was asked what Twinkies were he responded, “footwear.” Read the full story

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Fundi Preachers Scream “Liberal East Coasters” Caused Hurricane Sandy


GlossyNews.com – Fundamentalist preachers have been crowing about how the fury of hurricane Sandy’s was leveled at the upper East Coast because of its sins and its liberal bias regarding the Presidential election.

“The wages of sin is death” was the essential theme of all their ranting. “When you support Sodomites and Gay marriage this is what you get!” said they as well. Read the full story

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Candidates Politicize God’s Subtle Climate Change “Reminder”


GlossyNews.com – “Look, I tried,” God grumbled, “Picked the most populated part of the country, some of the most contentious states in the election and altered both of their campaign routes, but did they listen? Noooo.”

In a last, desperate attempt to create some political discussion on climate change, God sent Halloween hurricane Sandy, which made landfall a week before Election Day. It flooded states, stopped mass transit systems, and at least 4 people didn’t get their mail on Monday. Read the full story

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Florida Voting Hampered for/by Blacks, Tape


GlossyNews.com – What started off as a smooth election day in Florida turned ugly in the second hour of voting. Machine failures were reported across all counties and voters were forced to wait for hours in the hot sun for the issue to be resolved.

The problem can be traced directly back to future felon and Governor Rick Scott. In his apparent reluctance to use any source of energy that doesn’t require the consumption of limited fossil fuels, he issued an executive order earlier this month requiring that black electrical tape be placed over the solar panels on all machines. Read the full story

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