Tag Archive | "christmas"

Thanksgiving Wiped Out By Halloween & X-Mas Cartels


The time honored and highly respected holiday of Thanksgiving was wiped out by the rival gang cartels of Halloween and Christmas this year. For many years the Halloween gang, characterized by bizarre, scary costumes, and the Christmas gang, recognizable by their holly- colored getups and red Santa hats, have been cutting into Thanksgiving’s turf. Read the full story

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WalMart To Stock Nobel Peace Prize In Stores For Christmas


Benton, AR – (Glossy News) WalMart retailers across the US are all set to stock The Nobel Peace Prize on their store shelves in time for the Christmas buying season. Officials claim there will be plenty to go around and the actual medal will be cast in affordable gold painted pewter instead of the more expensive gold.

“The medal will look just like the one President Obama received except this one will sing a song when you clap your hands,” claims Edgar Walton, VP of Chinese made junk. Read the full story

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Black Friday Specials Rumored to Include Food for the Poor


Women, Infants and Children (WIC) take heart. This year, Black Friday specials offered by stores such as Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, Sam’s Club and others aren’t all about the X-Box. They are all about survival. Instead of offering Wii’s for less than $100 and gaming equipment for a third of its original cost, these stores are offering milk at half price, cheese below the manufacturer’s cost, and cereal for next to nothing. Read the full story

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European Union Won’t Honor Christmas Starting 2010


Brussells (GlossyNews) — According to a new policy mandated by an internal commission of the European Union, Christmas 2010, and every Christmas thereafter, will just be ‘another day’ on the calendar. A spokesperson for the Regional Policy Commission of the European Union announced that the Commission officially decided late Tuesday not to recognize Christmans and other religious holidays effective February 1, 2010. Phillipe Hartmann, media spokesman for the office of Commissioner Johannes Hahn, stated that the Commission decided that the emphasis on religious holidays had become too focused on Western, Judeo-Christian observances such as Christmas, at the expense of lesser known religious festivals and feasts in other religions such as Islam and Hinduism. Read the full story

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Decline in Shopping Related Deaths Worries Retailers


New York, NY — Cautious retail executives sounded a note of warning on late Christmas Season sales despite early indicators of a slight increase in consumer spending over last year. According to these industry leaders, there is “a certain lack of enthusiasm from consumers” indicating the selling season may end early.

“Last year, despite the poor results, consumers were doing their best to stimulate the terrible economic conditions,” said one high ranking industry insider. Read the full story

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Fir Trees Being Kidnapped Mysteriously Around The World


Thousands of fir trees have been mysteriously disappearing from forests around the Western world in the last few weeks. Forest rangers making their rounds have been shocked to find many conifers, mostly young ones between three and six feet tall, missing with only short stumps to mark where they had been. Experts have expressed fears that there is some sort of trafficking in evergreens going on, perhaps even an international trade. Read the full story

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The War on Kwanzaa


I went into a Kroger’s today, and not one person wished me a Fruitful Kwanzaa….when i went to the WalMart to pick up some tasty steaks, again, not one Fruitful Kwanzaa….what is up with that? Have we come to such a place in this country that chain stores are so afraid of “political correctness” that they tell their employers not to wish anyone a Fruitful Kwanzaa and replace it with the Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays greeting instead?

I called Fox Noise and told them this was another example of political correctness run amok, and they told me they had way too many other petty things to bitch about to care about some half-african seasonal greeting and that maybe if i want to hear somebody wish me a Fruitful Kwanzaa I should park my happy ass on the next plane heading back to Africa.

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UPS Vs The Post Office — Annual Race Between The Tortoise And Hare


The time of year has come for the great Christmas race between the tortoise and the hare.  Those who know Aesop’s fable, know it as a moralizing tale.  In this case, it involves a total lack of morals whatsoever.  This race is also symbolic — the hare is the representative body of United Parcel Service and the tortoise is the United States Postal Service.  Each year they compete for the affections of a public determined to send Christmas presents to relatives, friends and colleagues. Read the full story

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Salvation Army: More Bell Ringers Going Mad This Season


The Salvation Army has reported a higher than normal number of Christmas bell ringers going mad this holiday season.  Every year there are always a few who go loopy from the constant ringing of their little hand bells and the stress of keeping up a smile and good spirits while having to stand outside in one place in the cold for hours while mothers with their snotty brats walk buy making rude remarks and cars splash filthy mud over them. Read the full story

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Twelve Days of Christmas — The Ghost of Christmas Present


On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Twelve court subpoenas,
Eleven texts saying ‘ph*ck you’,
Ten bailiffs with repossession orders,
Nine blokes to cut the gas off,
Eight maids with paternity claims,
Seven photos of her toy boys, Read the full story

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Christmas Light De-tangling Contest Erupts in Violence


Holy Smokes, VA – The first annual Christmas lights de-tangling contest held at the local BPOE lodge was interrupted late in the evening when one of the contestants, Harvey Smith, pulled a gun on fellow contestant, John Houdini, accusing him of having a special knack for untying knots, and thereby giving him an unfair advantage. Read the full story

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FATHER CHRISTMAS / SANTA CLAUS VACANCY (applicants requested)


JOB TITLE: FATHER CHRISTMAS / SANTA CLAUS

REF: ALU/62734

LOCATION: Lapland based / Worldwide distribution network

HOURS: Christmas Eve – Dusk til dawn

SHIFTS AVAILABLE: Second Shift, Graveyard Shift Read the full story

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