Tag Archive | "christmas"

Warming Arctic Ocean Causes Santa To Move Operations To South Pole


Old Nick has been having a hard time of it. His North Pole sweat shops, …er…, workshops have been becoming wet-shops due to the the melting of the sea ice of the arctic.

“It has just become impossible! I have been bitching to the industrial nations of the world for centuries to ease up on the pollution and the CO2 emissions and they listen like an Eskimo with his ear frozen to his cell phone.

“I stopped giving the CEO’s and the upper employees any Christmas gifts decades ago, but they get so much dough and goodies from ripping off the taxpayers and government cronies that they don’t even notice!” Read the full story

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Posted in Kidz Zone, ReligionismComments (0)

Kris Kringle Appointed Head of NSA


Phoenix, AZ- He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. Now he hears who you are talking to so be good for goodness sake.

The “Jolly Old Man,” otherwise known as Kris Kringle has been appointed to the coveted Director of the National Security Agency replacing Keith Alexander.

This new partnership between Washington and the North Pole will help both parties as this gives Santa new tools to add people to his naughty list. Read the full story

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Where Have All the Santas Gone? (COMIC)


You remember all those wonderful Santas you met as a child. They were kind, courteous, gracious, patient and loving. But, at least according to this cartoon, they all have on big thing in common.

Click on the image to see it full-size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Sarah Palin wants to save Christmas. You can help by buying her new book


Christmas Day is just around the corner, a time of peace and love and harmony, unless you’re Jewish. But this year, our Christian values of tolerance and forgiveness are being overwhelmed by a cataclysmic war on a scale the world has never seen.

The images we see on television are heartbreaking. When will this senseless war stop?

No, I’m not talking about the twelve-year war in Afghanistan, nor the civil war tearing apart Syria. I’m not even talking about the brutal Mattress Price Wars, although the televised images of those retailers viciously slashing prices before my very eyes is enough to make me sick.

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No, I am, of course, talking about something far more pernicious and deadly: The War on Christmas.

RIGHT: Please buy this book. Do it for America–and for baby Jesus. That perfect gift for that God-fearing someone in your life. [Disclaimer: This book may not be suitable for people with an IQ over 75 or who suffer from tolerance of those with differing worldviews from their own.] (CLICK IMAGE TO ENGLARGE)

In her lovingly written new book, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, distinguished author and former Alaskan beauty pageant winner Sarah Palin launches into a heartwarming tirade in defense of Christian values against the onslaught of political correctness, the secularization of Christmas, and the abominations of atheists and liberals (which two groups are, of course, essentially the same). And I for one could not agree with her views more, even if I understood what she was talking about.

I will be the first to admit that, like millions of Americans, I had no idea Sarah Palin could read, let alone write. But I was wrong. In her new pop-up coloring book, the ex-60%-of-one-term governor of Alaska makes a clarion call to save Christmas. What is destroying our American way of life is not a culture of gun violence. Nor the fact that the top 1% of society owns 40% of the nation’s wealth. It’s not even our faltering educational system. The real problem confronting us, according to Palin, is the war waged by millions on the left against Christmas.

Palin’s motive for writing this book is explained in her own words on the book’s back cover: “If I’m for Christmas, it’s only because I’m for Christ.” It’s clear that unlike liberals and people wanting to take away our guns, Palin loves Jesus. And the fact that she stands to rake in $10 million from book sales to Wal-Mart shoppers was the furthest thing from her mind when she hired someone to ghostwrite her book.

In reading her inspiring message of hope for all Christians in this great Christian nation of Christians, I came away with a startling realization about how much hatred for our savior lies deep within the misguided hearts of the average Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, vegetarian, environmental activist and community organizer. It was not until I read this book that I finally understood why Jesus hates gays. The War on Christmas, Palin points out, is first and foremost a war for our souls. And thanks to insidious, politically correct wishes for “Happy Holidays” oppressing our attempts to wish our fellow citizens a “Merry Christmas,” Satan and his growing army of Christmas-destroyers are winning the battle.

Here is a short passage from her book that I pray you will appreciate as much as I did:

Jesus’ birth is not about Black Friday sales. Why does Christmas cause so much anger just by its very name? If Jesus, coming to us for our salvation, which, when I think back upon it, it’s because of the lamestream media, whose hostility to Christmas, such that who are they to judge, notwithstanding if we take arms courageously to protect the Bible, then perhaps those without salvation, having caused such an uproar, for whom was the baby swaddled in a manger, which you can see from Alaska, and good will to all mankind except for angry homosexuals who don their gay apparel…

Amen, Sister Sarah, amen. I could not have said it better myself (had I been in a drunken stupor from spiked eggnog).

Sarah Palin book signingPalin zeroes in on the real meaning of Christmas. It’s not about Black Friday sales on flat screen TVs and tablet PCs. It’s about pointing out how Americans who have discovered Jesus are better than everybody else. As Palin soothingly explains, the real crisis threatening Christmas in America is all those atheists trying to return Christmas to its origins as a pagan festival celebrating the winter solstice during which Democrats would get drunk and fornicate with goats. Why do they hate baby Jesus so much? For God’s sake, he’s just a baby.

In this amazing book, written in a tasteful Helvetica font, Palin’s mission is to be that brave voice speaking on behalf of all Christians in America’s heartland (circa 1953). She courageously reveals that Christmas isn’t about sharing the holiday quietly with your loved ones and opening presents. It’s about lovingly shoving your own views about Christmas down the throats of people who don’t share your deeply-held fundamentalist beliefs, and compassionately reminding all Americans why it’s important to load your hunting rifle and rid this Christian nation of those intolerant Jesus-haters who are desperately trying to keep us from spreading God’s Christmas message of peace and good will to mankind.

Why waste time reading the hackneyed holiday musings of Charles Dickens, Clement Clarke Moore or Robert Frost? They’ve all been surpassed by the brightest star atop the literary Christmas tree, Sarah Louise Palin. Please do your patriotic duty this Christmas and buy her incredible Christmas book.

Help Sarah save Christmas for all of us – well, most of us, anyway. If enough red-blooded Americans purchase her book, it just might make Sarah Palin the most miraculous profit of God in our lifetime.

Happy Holida-, er, I mean, Merry Christmas, everybody.

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Posted in Entertainment, Opinon/EditorialComments (1)

Study Reveals Disturbing Levels of Inbreeding Among Santa’s Elves


A new study published today in The Journal of Humanoid Genetics reveals high levels of inbreeding among Santa’s famous toy making elves.

Analysis of DNA microsatellites obtained from blood samples taken from several hundred randomly chosen North Pole elves resulted in an estimated coefficient of relationship of approximately 14%. First cousins, for comparison, have a coefficient of relationship of 12.5%. Read the full story

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Posted in Science, Science & TechnologizzyComments (3)

The War on Christmas Is(n’t) a Total Joke


It seems every year we go through the same rigamaroll. In August we crack out the decorations, in November we start the massive shopping season, and in December we enter the War on Christmas territory.

Is it a real war, or one imagined? Is Christianity itself under attack, or the Christians and secular humanists who celebrate it?

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Today we look at both sides of the issue. From the Left, Brian K. White, satirist and editor of GlossyNews.com. From the Right, blogger and pollster Dean Chambers from UnSkewedPolls.com. Read the full story

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Posted in SocietyComments (1)

Pick a Peck of Pilgrim Pepper


Supermarket chains across the United States have agreed to forgo advertising depicting happy families gathered together in celebration and good cheer this holiday season.

Although researchers insist an increase in suicide attempts during the holidays has proved largely a myth, the unusually altruistic business decision was reached during the Thanksgiving holidays after HELP! hotlines reported a sharp spike in calls by persons emotionally distressed following a television ad depicting the tribulations of a paired Pilgrim salt and pepper shaker set tossed about by the type of joyful family only Norman Rockwell could love. Read the full story

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Un-Named Elf Leaks Obama Santa Letter


NORTH POLE – One of Santa’s right-leaning elves has reportedly leaked a letter to Santa from one of his most famous correspondents:

Dear Santa,

Thanks again for giving me that big white house four years ago. To be honest, that Read the full story

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Resilient Christmas Claims Victory in War on Christmas


NORTH POLE – Christmas – the holiday widely regarded as the most wonderful time of the year – today claimed victory in the War on Christmas, after enemy combatants and political correctness brigades surrendered in the early hours of the morning.

Its victory brings to a close 11 years of violent combat, which has seen bureaucrats carry out persistent strategic attacks on the special day in a war that is reported to have bored over two million people since fighting began on December 6, 2000. Read the full story

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Economic Struggle Forces Mary, Joseph to Merge Christ’s B-day, Christmas Presents Into One


BETHLEHEM – Citing financial hardship amid the ongoing global economic downturn, Mary and Joseph – the parents of Jesus Christ – have conceded that they will have to merge their only son’s birthday and Christmas presents into one.

After years of making sure that Christ – whose birthday happens to fall on Christmas Day – always gets a least one present for each occasion, the couple insisted that they just cannot afford the extra plunge this year. Read the full story

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Federal Warning Over Agressive Toys


This morning the federal government issued warnings to parents over toys that are currently being sold for the holiday season which may pose a potential harm to their families.

The revised Furby animated toy has been identified in several dangerous incidents involving both children and adults in recent weeks.

A revision to a toy that had been easily incorporated into the family several years ago, the newest version has evolved into a creature that no longer is bound to just blinking at you and uttering synthesized syllables. Read the full story

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Posted in Gadgets & GizmosComments (1)

Christmas Moved to February


After years of complaining by stressed out shoppers and overworked retailers, the Catholic Church has finally moved the year’s most important holiday. From now on, Christmas will be celebrated in early February.

Despite the doctrine of papal infallibility, the Church of Rome has accepted that Pope Gregory XIII blew it back in 1582 when he decreed his new calendar. Christmas and New Year’s should never have been jammed together at the end of the year. Read the full story

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A Bag For Life Not Just For Christmas


Following the extremely successful campaign ‘A Dog is For Life Not Just For Christmas’ the Dogs Trust have strayed a little from their charter by embracing the same slogan for ‘bag for life’.

The Dogs Trust have found that there is a massive increase in sales of ‘bags for life’ in the lead up to Christmas, sighting cute Christmas designs and heavy shopping loads. The Dogs Trust claim that shops have a duty to ensure responsible owners are found rather than the current system which allows anyone to purchase the bags. Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, Human InterestComments (1)

Chinese Ports Await Massive Christmas Cash Delivery


The Chinese ports of Shanghai and Shenzhen are preparing to unload dozens of giant freighters. The ships are filled to the brim with cash made from selling Americans millions of tons of cheap junk over the Christmas holidays.

Fueled by the flashing bright colors, scantily clad models and pictures of wide-eyed children inherent in American advertising, Americans went all out by scraping cash, debit and credit cards from the bottom of their threadbare pockets in an annual ritual that on the surface looks like it was designed only to preserve China’s economic influence in the world. Read the full story

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Pot Tops Booze as Most Popular Adult X-mas Gift this Year


Forget slippers and socks, power tools for the guys and tennis bracelets and earrings for the gals, this year for the first time, marijuana (pot) is the most sought after gift, both for giving and receiving.

While spirits and wine have always been at or near the top of the adult gift-giving list come Christmastime, never before has an illegal substance (or kinda-sorta legal substance now in some states depending on who you ask) made it to the top of the list. Read the full story

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Walmart Buys Exclusive Rights to Christmas, Axes Controversial “Jesus”


In a sweeping move today Walmart has bought the entire rights to Christmas and all its accessories. The move is designed to give Walmart control over the popular holiday and to help shore up the retail giant as being the main source that shoppers go to to procure their gift buying.

The legal right to Christmas and all its traditions, imagery and concepts gives Walmart the legal right to pick and choose what themes it will support and those it will allow to wither and die. Read the full story

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Posted in Biz NewsComments (6)

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