Tag Archive | "christmas"

4K Glossy News Podcast 071 (January 2017)


The 4K/UHD podcast is back with a whole new take on 2017.

* Libsyn is terrible and takes advantage of small-time podcasters.

* Didn’t get the Christmas special finished, but I will for 2017. It will be great, you’ll see. Just great music, great stuff all around.

* Review of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. #notmypresident

* Since my mom died, my step-dad really stepped up with the Christmas gifts in ways mom never would have let him. Read the full story

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Santa Drives Sleigh, Amazon Drives him to Bankruptcy


The North Pole: Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick was anything but Jolly as he announced to his elves and a tearful Mrs. Claus, that his North Pole-based Christmas empire, Kringle Corp World-Wide, will be filing for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy later this week. Read the full story

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4K Glossy News Podcast 022 (12-22-15) – The Christmas Episode


It’s the first Christmas podcast, and I’ve pulled out all the stops and then some. Wow I must be crazy to post all this stuff, sheesh!

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are the topics covered in the the December 22nd, 2015 4K/UHD Christmas podcast. Read the full story

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How to pull the perfect Christmas Present Poker Face


It is Christmas morning and the anticipation is killing you, all you want to do it dive into your stack of presents and find out what your close friends and family have got you this year.

There is no finer sight than the face of a loved one opening a gift and being overcome with joy. Read the full story

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Local Man Preemptively Places Decorative Christmas Deer in Doggy Style Position


WICHITA – On Monday afternoon local man and self-described holiday enthusiast Phillip Bakers preemptively arranged his two decorative outdoor Christmas reindeer, a common addition to the front yards of many Christian Americans, in the doggy style position.

“I know that little [expletive] Tim Mardocky down the street gets a huge kick out of placing my yard deer on top of each other like they’re having sex every Christmas,” said the married 49-year-old father of three. Read the full story

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Christmas Miracle Leaves Woman Bored


LIFEMARK FAMILYTOWN, USA – Today Melody Christmas (40) is a woman who has it all. She is a mother of two, wife of an artsy-rugged-rich sensitive male, and CEO of a multinational bakery-café-puppy store chain.

But a few weeks before Christmas she was a normal American woman, unwinding after work in her one bedroom apartment drinking $4 red wine and watching the British version of things on Netflix while scrolling through Facebook statuses of how everyone else is happier, more successful, and more married than she is. Read the full story

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Local Parents Counting the Seconds Until Holidays End


Worchester, MA – The Henderson parents have had it.

“I never thought I’d say it, but it was easier when they were all in high school,” Richard, 49 year-old father and certified accountant, said.

His wife Tabatha agreed, and admitted to having had a migraine since late Friday, mere hours after son Jerry arrived at the airport from Florida and daughter Jenny was dropped off by friends from her first semester of college.

“They’ve both grown so much since leaving for school,” she said, “And in such opposite directions. They just can’t seem to get along with each other, anymore.”

“Or us,” Richard added, alluding to the concerned calls from the neighbors soon after the traditional Christmas Eve game of Old Maid crumbled into arguing over who, exactly, really deserved the title card.

Tension, if possible, managed to escalate on Christmas morning when presents began getting unwrapped and an undisclosed someone made the mistake of not scraping the price sticker off a gift.

“That’s when the shit really hit the fan,” Richard nodded.

“Chocolate, dear,” Tabatha corrected him, with a gentle pat on his knee and a heavy sigh. “Really good chocolate.”

The presence of other family members for most of the day seemed to dissipate the animosity, as everyone put on the “nice and loving family” act, but after dinner the company left and things returned to the new, hellish normal.

“I begged Aunt Judy and Mike not to leave,” Tabatha admitted.

Now the two parents are counting down the hours before their dear and dreaded children go back to school for spring semester. Their travel bags have been filled and left in conspicuously well-traveled areas of the house, as a constant reminder that the time is ticking down. Both parents have even memorized return itineraries, going so far as to alter Jenny’s to get her back as soon as the dorms open again.

“Just last month, we were saying we weren’t going to pay to send them away for spring break,” Richard stated, “We changed that, last night.”

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Posted in Human Interest, Society, Top StoriesComments (1)

How the Rich Stole Christmas


Now the middle of classes were middler than most
They had oodles of things on which they could boast.
They had cars, and houses, and TVs and more
They were boasting and boasting of goodies galore.

Til one day the bottom all dropped out from under
The middle of classes was torn quite asunder.
The greed of the 1% people with money
Decided to steal all the milk and the honey. Read the full story

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Christmas Eve Massacre Leaves 15 Dead, Red-Nosed Reindeer in Custody


A lone shooter killed 15 in a bloody Christmas Eve massacre at the North Pole, sparking pandemonium when he lobbed a smoke bomb into a reindeer pen and opened fire from the roof atop Santa’s workshop.

North Pole law enforcement officials said the suspect in the shooting is Rudolph L. May, though many used to laugh and call him “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,” or “the 9th reindeer.” Read the full story

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Ice Storm Victims learn Horrible True Meaning of Christmas


Many Torontonians and Americans have had their power knocked out by a catastrophic ice storm, but some are taking solace in the fact that being cursed with such utter darkness has taught them the true, horrible meaning of Christmas.

The ice storm has brought down thousands of large tree branches which knocked out power lines, causing power outages in the homes of over 200,000 Torontonians alone. Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, ReligionismComments (0)

A Return To ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas’


A RETURN TO TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
not a creature was stirring
we were all totally soused.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
with the kids still in them so they’d be out of our hair.
They were stuffing candies into their heads
as visions of cavities filled us with dread.

Momma and I settled down for a long winter’s nap
right after a run to the bathroom for a late night cr__.
When suddenly outside I heard such a clatter
that sounded much like someone’s skylight had shattered.

Away to the window I ran to the crash
tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
just in time to hear a very loud bellow,
“Rudolph, you’re dragging your hoofs too low.”

When what to my gin-bleared eyes should appear
but some guy in a clown suit with a really big rear.
The little old driver seemed like a real hick
I knew I was wasted ’cause it looked like St. Nick.

More rapid than beagles chasing down game
he made damn sure they knew who’s to blame.
“Now Dasher, now Dancer get off poor Blitzen.
On Comet, on Cupid we’ve got to be gitzen.
Then what he said was even more off the wall
“Now dash away, dash away and try not to fall.”
As dry leaves that before the hurricane fly
they tried to take off with this big, fat guy.

So up to the house tops the courses they flew
with a sleigh full of toys and the big red loo-loo.
As I stood there silent like a hypnotized goof
I heard them land upon my very roof.

Down my chimney St Nicholas came with a bound
crashed through the floor and onto the ground.
His clothes were all covered with ashes and soot
which dirtied the floor when I gave him the boot.

The cute little toys that he had on his back
felt just like bricks when he gave me a whack
His eyes how they twinkled, his fist how hairy
as he punched me in the nose when I wasn’t even wary.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
I noticed as I staggered about from the blow.
I saw the stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth
as I gazed up from the table I hid underneath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly
that could indulge and digest an entire deli.
“I had better watch out!” I said to myself
“I wouldn’t want it known I’d been done in by an elf!”

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
as I lay on the floor pretending to be dead,
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
and cleaned out the fridge right down to the cork.

They laying his finger aside of his nose
without even a tissue the damn thing he blows
the sound of which made my backbone gristle
as he sprang to his sleigh and to his team gave a whistle.

But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
“Seems you can’t even come in for a bite
without someone wanting to get into a fight
but Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!”

I then got an aspirin and went back to bed.
Screw the rhyming.

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Santa Claus Forced to File Chapter 11 Bankruptcy


Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, unfortunately, he can’t pay his mounting debt and therefore won’t be visiting your home with lots of toys and goodies.

Due to the economic downturn felt all over the globe, Santa Claus International has been forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. A press release issued at the last minute Friday had the jolly old elf himself near tears as he announced that his beloved toy operation would no longer exist, and he would be staying put in the North Pole this year instead of delivering toys to children and adults around the world. Read the full story

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Santa Claus finally sells out; cashes in


This Christmas, you might notice something a little different when you look up into the sky and see Santa and his reindeer in flight delivering presents to children all over the world.

In an unprecedented partnership, global shipping giant FedEx® has agreed to become the official sponsor of Santa Claus.

For years, financial analysts have been puzzled with how Santa’s operation could remain profitable with labor and production costs continuing to skyrocket. Read the full story

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Obama: Nat King Cole Song is ‘Homophobic’


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Americans have been left in shock after President Obama issued a statement characterizing Nat King Cole’s famous “Christmas Song” as homophobic.

In a press conference held late on Friday, Obama explained that his uneasiness with the classic tune stems from the following verse:

They know that Santa’s on his way
He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh,
And ev’ry mother’s child is gonna spy, Read the full story

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Nativity Scene Vandalized: Baby Jesus Replaced w/ Budweiser


When Dan Fairbanks, pastor at the Village Seventh Day Adventurer Church, checked his congregation’s nativity scene Christmas Eve morning, what he found was the most disturbing image of his life.

In the manger belonging to Baby Jesus, instead of Jesus, he found a six pack of Budweiser, three of them emptied.

“Not only had the thieving bastards stolen poor Baby Jesus, but they left beverages of the devil behind in His place,” said Fairbanks soon after the incident. Read the full story

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Warming Arctic Ocean Causes Santa To Move Operations To South Pole


Old Nick has been having a hard time of it. His North Pole sweat shops, …er…, workshops have been becoming wet-shops due to the the melting of the sea ice of the arctic.

“It has just become impossible! I have been bitching to the industrial nations of the world for centuries to ease up on the pollution and the CO2 emissions and they listen like an Eskimo with his ear frozen to his cell phone.

“I stopped giving the CEO’s and the upper employees any Christmas gifts decades ago, but they get so much dough and goodies from ripping off the taxpayers and government cronies that they don’t even notice!” Read the full story

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Posted in Kidz Zone, ReligionismComments (0)

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