Tag Archive | "barack obama"

Nation Subjects Obama to Another 4 Years

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a tight election contest, President Obama was officially subjected to another 4 years in office by a sadistic American electorate Tuesday.

Mr. Obama, who has endured relentless and regularly unfounded attacks from the Republican Party in his first year, will be forced to work in the same, thankless position until 2016, in which he is expected to suffer the vitriolic abuse of the GOP, following the expansion of Obamacare, immigration reform, and gay rights. Read the full story


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Kentucky Democrat Votes for Right to Complain

Newport, KY – Local liberal Michael Benton walked to the middle school gymnasium, and was greeted with laughter and an occasional jeer.

He greeted his Republican friends, gave his ID to the snickering old ladies behind the folding table, and filled out the only ballot for Obama in the city. Read the full story


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Honey Boo Boo Weeps on Live TV When Obama Loss Announced

GlossyNews.comHog Jaw, GA – Not since her child beauty pageant loss in Vicksburg to 6-year-old Playdo model Mae Belle Glutz has reality TV star Honey Boo Boo cried so hard as to drop her fried chicken drumstick.

So far, the Tots and Tiara Queenette has bawled non-stop, and refuses to eat, taking only an occasional sip of Red Bull or Mountain Dew. The cause of her emotional breakdown? The stunning re-election loss of Barack Obama prematurely reported by CNN. Read the full story


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Evangelicals Just Say (Hell) No to Romney

GlossyNews.com – WASHINGTON, DC — Destruction wrought by Hurricane Sandy finds evangelicals staying home rather than casting a vote for Mitt Romney, Virgil Goode or Mickey Mouse.

The “Lord’s Will” movement initially organized to support evangelical voters in religious despair over casting a vote for a candidate with a propensity towards lying while holding steadfast to the basic value that honesty is a virtue; The Romney Doctrine. Read the full story


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Barack Obama Asks for Your Vote… For Mitt Romney

By President Barack Obama

My fellow Americans,

Next Tuesday, November 6, is Election Day, and this year your vote is more important than ever before. That’s because in this election you have a choice between two very different visions for America.

One of those visions believes that ours is a country where everyone should have a fair shot at success and where everyone should pay their fair share of taxes. Read the full story


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Oh, the Rovanity

FORT LAUDERDALE–Tumult ensued following initial reports that the crash of a Mitt Romney blimp was instead determined to be the explosion of Karl Rove’s much talked about brain.

The head of the conservative political analyst and FOX NEWS favorite spontaneously blew to smithereens after he attempted to opine past the GOP presidential candidate’s obvious lack of readiness on foreign policy.

Emergency crews described the scene as chaotic. “People were scrambling everywhere,” recalled a paramedic. “One guy who looked like Sean Hannity, held a Styrofoam coffee cup, screaming “Scoop up his brain, scoop it up, hurry!” Read the full story


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GlossyNews Announces 2012 Presidential Endorsement… Not Who You Think

In 2008 we endorsed then-senator Barack Obama, but apparently it is best form to consult with our staff before reaching such a weighty decision.

For 2012 I requested an endorsement statement from all 127 of our writers, and the endorsements are listed below, by author, though I warn you, it’s all kinds of goofy. Read the full story


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Romney Threatens to Fire Crowley, Crowd, and China

VILLAGE OF HAMPSTEAD, NEW YORK- The second presidential debate was the scene of chaos as Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney threatened to fire the moderator, debate participants, and an entire nation on Tuesday night.

Mitt Romney suffered a severe short circuit from over clocking his platform processor, a microchip that allows him to process his policy changes quickly.

This lead to an inevitable overload when Romney was presented with paradoxes, like what he was told to be truth from trusted advisers, could actually be wrong. Read the full story


Posted in Politics, TelevisionComments (6)

Obama Debate Prep To Include Joe Biden: Heckler

As President Obama prepares for Tuesday’s debate with failed former Gov. Mitt Romney, a new twist has been added to the normal procedure.

Vice-president Joe Biden will fill-in as his opponent for the practice sessions, laughing and heckling incessantly.

President Obama already has a surrogate for this position, a tape of his performance in the first debate, but the subsequent over-the-top performance of the vice-president has altered that strategy. Read the full story


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Iranian News Agency Goof: Thought Onion Spoof About Rednecks Liking Ahmajinadad was Real

Note to readers, this article is an experiment in new software equipment that makes the material visible to the public reading audience as it is typed and being viewed by an editor.

It reflects an effort by the journalistic community to get the latest news and writings out to the reading community with as little delay and interference as possible. Read the full story


Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets TubesComments (4)

Cookie Monster “Loses Cookies” at Local Grocery

NEW YORK–Sesame Street star Cookie Monster was admitted to an unnamed psychiatric center following a cookie incident at Hooper’s Store.

The beloved character filled twenty shopping carts with cookies before being approached by store personnel. Onlookers described the puppet as agitated.

“Me want cookies,” Cookie Monster muttered, scooping up ten packages of Chips Ahoy. “Mitt Romney want Cookie’s cookies!” Read the full story


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What I Did During the First Debate (Spoiler: I didn’t watch it)

8:01: Made myself a Boulevardier, which I highly recommend.

8:07: Opened up my three-year-in-progress novel, of which I have completed one chapter to date. Wrote seven additional words that I erased and rewrote four times. Net gain – four words. At this rate the next Great American Novel will be finished by December of 2023. Read the full story


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GlossyNews Finds Man Who’s Never Heard of Obama or Romney

(GlossyNews) — Deep in the swamps of Louisiana, reporters for GlossyNews have discovered a man who has never heard of either presidential candidate. He is believed to be the last of his kind.

Inviting the curious journalists inside his spacious hollowed out tree, Boudreaux Fipps III, age 80-something, stunned the expedition with his total ignorance of politics. Read the full story


Posted in Politics, Strange PeopleComments (1)

Oy Vey: Seinfeld to Play Romney in Biopic

Jerry Seinfeld has been cast to play Governor Mitt Romney in a yet unnamed feature film.

How hard can it be to play an empty suit?

Ask Jerry.

“The hardest part will be keeping up with this guy. Romney, he’s the gymnast of politics. He flips, he flops, he flips again. He’s all over the place.” Read the full story


Posted in Human InterestComments (4)

Obama Finally Apologizes For Recent Secret Service Hooker Scandal

Washington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)

After apologizing for just about everything else, President Obama took a few minutes to address the lingering concerns over an apparent lapse in the secret service security detail that ended his recent Columbia trip in a prostitute scandal.

Adressing an invited group of the mainstream media to the press room at the White House Obama was in the middle of his lenghty explanation when he was interrupted by none other then former president Bill Clinton who heard about the apology and hoped his support would help the beleagured president. Read the full story


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Merciless Obama Still Threatening to Put More Americans Back to Work

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama has repeated his cruel and draconian threats to put more unemployed people back to work following next year’s election.

During a controversial speech outside the White House Saturday, Mr Obama addressed the so-called “threat to the nation’s welfare” of unemployment, with equally heartless members of congress also calling for the creation of thousands of thankless and miserable jobs for the American people to endure. Read the full story


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