Rio 2016 Olympic Opening Ceremony Exposes Non-existent Countries

The international community is trying to come to terms with the shock revelation that some countries with which other nations have links simply do not exist.

Two hundred and seven countries were represented at the opening ceremony of Rio 2016, and it is now clear that at least eight had been invented.

George Baker, President of the People’s Democratic Republic of Yaminia, admitted his reservations about entering a team for Rio 2016. ‘Many of us started making-up countries for a laugh,’ he explained. ‘We were surprised that our spoof nations were so readily accepted by governments, sporting bodies, companies and other organisations without adequate geographical verification.

‘I thought it was risky for so many of us to enter teams for the Olympics,’ he continued. ‘The part of the opening ceremony in which all teams process into the Olympic Stadium always gets a bit tedious for spectators and viewers, and it was likely that some of the billion people watching would Google the countries they hadn’t heard of – to help pass the time. Someone was bound to discover that a number didn’t exist.’

Thomas Bach, President of the International Olympic Committee, rapidly convened a press conference to minimise the impact of this revelation on the Games. ‘The eight bogus countries identified so far have been suspended from the IOC,’ he told reporters. ‘A quick head count within those teams has indicated that many of their athletes don’t exist either, but those who are real will not be allowed to compete at the Games.’

‘I’m extremely disappointed,’ said one banned athlete, Peter Harris from the Masodian Republic of Crotinia. ‘I’d really been looking forward to competing in the Olympic Taekwondo competition. I’d even brought a book that explains the rules, and I’d been practising a bit in the last week or two.’

This news from the Olympics has prompted other organisations to verify the existence of member countries and states. Of most concern is the discovery that at least four member countries of the United Nations are fictitious.

John M. Handly, who leads the non-existent Zaharian Territories from his apartment in Downtown San Francisco, was philosophical about the phone call, early this morning, from the Secretary-General of the United Nations. Ban Ki-moon told him that he should collect his stuff from the UN building asap. ‘I’m surprised we got away with it for so long.’ Supreme Ruler Handly told CNN News. ‘It was great fun voting on UN resolutions though. It must have been even more fun for the fake country on the UN Security Council. Mind you,’ he added, ‘I’ll miss the IMF loans.’

The end of uncritical acceptance of bogus countries has also averted a potential international crisis. It has emerged that the recent decision by Joyce Smith, Queen of Garanaland, to declare war on the Democratic Republic of Toboglo could have led to a wider conflict.

‘Joyce lives next door,’ explained Henry Gibbons, President of Toboglo, from his home in Huddersfield, England. ‘I didn’t take her too seriously when she said that if I didn’t reduce the height of my leylandii hedge, she’d declare war. After all,’ he told Sky News, ‘it’s just her and her mum who are Garanaland nationals, and Toboglo only has a population of five, if you count Aunt Edith. It then emerged,’ he continued, ‘that Garanaland was a member of NATO, and a pre-emptive strike on my hedge by the RAF was already in an advanced stage of planning.’

‘We are currently working to ensure that all non-existent countries are identified,’ confirmed UK Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson. ‘We recommend, however, that the public exercise caution to ensure that any foreign country they plan to visit, or do business with, can, in fact, be found on a map.’

Author: Swan Morrison

Swan Morrison is the pen name of Brian Huggett. Brian lives with his wife and a cat named Blackie in Hampshire, England. He has been publishing work on the Internet and in print since 2001. In 2006, he created the Short Humour Site at for comedy writing of around 500 words. He has published three books of his own Short Humour - each containing one hundred stories, dialogues, poems, letters, spoof news reports, articles and songs. These books are called: A Man of Few Words, A Man of a Few More Words, A Man of Yet a Few More Words. In addition, ten comic songs which were published in A Man of a Few More Words are also available in The Swan Morrison Songbook. Swan published his first novel, Judgement Day, in September 2014 and a novella, Deep Black, in September 2015. He is currently working on the sequel to Judgement Day called Until the End of Time. In addition to his own writing, Swan Morrison has published five other books - each of which contains Short Humour by fifty different contributors to the Short Humour Site. These books are called: People of Few Words, People of Few Words - Volume 2, People of Few Words - Volume 3, People of Few Words - Volume 4, People of Few Words - Volume 5. All profits from the writings of Swan Morrison are currently donated to the UK registered charity supported by the Short Humour Site Site, Friends of Teso (Uganda) -