Prima Donna Maradona Mugged by Taxman

In the surreal world of overpaid celebrity soccer prima donnas Argentina’s national team manager Diego Maradona has been hit, mugged, fleeced, done over and truly dusted by Italian tax police in the country’s northern province of Bonzo : where the former SSC Napoli star is currently undergoing treatment at a health clinic for ‘stress’ after Argentina’s hopes of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup were shattered in a humiliating 3-1 home defeat by their historic archrivals Brazil in Rosario.

Madona transferred from Barcelona to Napoli in Italy’s Serie A league for a record fee of £6.9 million in 1984.
However, during his time in Italy, Maradona’s personal problems increased.

He developed a mega-buck cocaine addiction and was zapped with US $70,000 in fines from his club for missing games and practices, ostensibly because of ‘stress’ – caused by his drug supplier not turning up with the ‘goodies’.

After serving a 15-month ban for failing a drug test for coke – plus suspicion over his affiliation with the Mafia-linked Camorra crime syndicate – Maradona left the Napoli team in disgrace in 1992 – owing what Italian tax collectors referred to as ‘lots and lots of effing lira.”

The Italian news agency El Scandalozo reported that Maradona faced a bill of 37 million euros ($54.43 million) from his time at Napoli, where he played a Messianic starring role between 1984 and 1991 – earning several zillion lire per match.

According to the Bonzo Provincial Tax Police Chief Guido Corruptioni, the former soccer star was forcibly divested of his diamond ear-rings – four per ear – each worth some 5,000 euros – totalling a recoup of 40,000 euros for the taxman’s coffers.

Rumours concerning the forcible removal of his Prince Albert genital piercing jewellery – a 27 carat blue diamond topside clitty tickler curved barbell – remain unconfirmed but the ailing superstar was noted to be walking strangely after the tax plod squad raid.

The 96-year-old soccer legend was reportedly being treated for obesity problems and stress at the clinic after weighing in at 280 pounds while wearing a pair of jocks – and having bitten his fingernails down to the first knuckle.

In 2006, Italian authorities seized two dodgy Rolex watches worth an estimated 100,000 euros ($140,700) from Maradona during his appearance at a news conference in Naples.

One report by the Association of Italian Tax Dodgers claims Maradona still has 22.4 million euros ($33 million) to fork out – which may result in the forced removal of his gold teeth – and perhaps certain transplantable organs – with a healthy kidney currently fetching up to $100,000 on the Italian black market.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via

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