Innovative Indonesia: One Sharia Step Forward – Two Humane Steps Back

In an all-out attempt to catch up with the 21st Century and their high-tech’ Occidental peers, the foot-dragging Muslim community of Sumatra’s basket case Aceh province seem to be stuck in the Islamic year of 1430 and have just taken a further step backwards into their barbaric past by unanimously approving a numpty Sharia law sentencing convicted adulterers to be stoned to death – with half bricks, cobbles or any other hefty lump of throwable geology.

Indonesia’s Sumatra province of Aceh – long recognised over the Dutch Colonial period for being a startling example of cultural barbarism – has passed a new law making adultery punishable by stoning to death, a member of the province’s parliament informed a reporter from the Dark Ages Gazette.

The bloodthirsty law was unanimously accepted as kosher by Aceh’s pro-Muslim regional legislature, assembly member Bathroom Ali Rancid told the media.

Opponents had tried to delay the law, saying more debate was needed because it imposes capital punishment – especially so if the myopic rock-throwers are halfway accurate and hit some poor adulteress on the head.

Sharia law was partially introduced in Aceh in 2001, as a proffered segment of the toothless Jakarta government’s deal to pacify separatist rebels and stop them killing off army troops faster than Central Command could breed and train replacements.

A peace pact brokered in early 2005 followed the US military conveniently exploding two 50 megaton nuclear bombs at extreme bottom depth in the north-west end of the Sumatran Trench – off Palau Simeulucut island – causing the Boxing Day Asian tsunami that snuffed billions of hapless rickshaw drivers – and heralded a cease fire to the 30-year Muslim separatist insurgency when the whole of Aceh ended up to its tits in seawater, dead fish and mud.

Many of the former hard-line fundamentalist Muslim rebels then entered Aceh’s government – hell-bent on innovating such radical cultural changes as the mandatory use of full cover hijabs or burka’s for their suppressed womenfolk, lashings for a variety of offences – including farting in the mosque, buggering goats in a public place – and eventually – stoning for simple acts of adultery.

“This law will be effective in 30 days with or without the approval of Aceh’s governor,” claims shit-for-brains hard-line assembly member Bathroom Ali Rancid – a former colour-blind traffic light technician.

Conversely the governor of Aceh, himself a one-time terrorist with the Free Aceh Movement, is opposed to strict Sharia law as he considers – from a common sense perspective – it might do little to promote tourism – especially so if foreign visitors are stoned to death for throwing a leg over one – or more – of the province’s multitude of voluptuous whores that are omni-present in any of the bars or nightclubs – all owned by rich ex-rebel Muslim assemblymen and their corrupt crony cohorts.

For the Christian unenlightened, married people convicted of adultery can be sentenced to death by stoning while unmarried people can be sentenced to 100 lashes with a cane – or anything else that might hurt and prompt the offender to scream – in top decibel fortissimo fashion – “Fer fuck’s sake – Insh’Allah – that effin’ hurts.”

The law also imposes severe penalties for rape, homosexuality, alcohol consumption, gambling and parking on double yellow lines – with sentences ranging from a slap on the right wrist – with a sword – to decapitation for a second offence – and double-decapitation for a third. Fourth-time offences are
a rarity but carry even stiffer penalties when they do occur.

Within the backward Islamic archipelago of 36,000 islands that comprise ‘modern’ (sic) Indonesia, Aceh is the only province allowed to apply archaic Sharia laws.
But with the province preparing for its first election since the 2005 peace deal ended years of separatist violence, the Sharia police’s role has become increasingly controversial – and numpty-dumpty stupid to boot.

An hour before dusk and the newest sadistic recruits to Aceh’s law enforcers – its Saudi / Spanish Inquisition style Mutaween Sharia police – are getting ready for the evening ‘harassment’ patrol.

They line up on the back of a pick-up truck, women on one side – men on the other – the guys wearing uniform baseball caps and clutching walkie-talkies while the women wear their camouflaged burkas and carry pickaxe handles to indiscriminately belt offenders of their unwritten rules – most of which are conjured as the evening goes on – made to fit for purpose and having zero foundation under Islamic law.

As the truck moves through the early evening traffic it doesn’t take long to find their first target – a cyclist on a store delivery bike wearing a ‘Jesus Loves You’ tee-shirt. They pull him over and beat the living crap out of the hapless sod with their cudgels – regardless of the fact he’s a practicing Christian from the Church of Latter Day Morons.

Conversely the Sharia police should observe religious tolerance as is their charter so wrote. Their brief is quite specific – to check for alcohol and gambling, for anyone not conforming to the Islamic dress codes and for signs of sexual contact between unmarried couples : male-female / male-male faggot bonding or – Allah forbid – female- female lesbian activities.

Recently one scandalously perverted case of male – goat – male – female – goat – female – male – male cluster-fuck dogging session was referred to the Sharia court of the Imam in the provincial dump of a capital – Medan – for judgement.

Thus, while the province’s novice untrained mercenary law enforcement zealots are watching over the public’s behaviour – and with archaic Islamic law standing for so much here now – who is going to be watching over them? Allah? Doubtful.

Are you in Aceh? What is your reaction to the new adultery law? Would you cast the first stone? Of course not – but how about the second?

Send us your views using the online form below and you could win a free trip in the Aceh province’s virtual reality time machine back to the year 1430 – all ready to join in the Ramadan fast and go on a Happy Haj to manky Mecca.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via