TO: My dear subjects
FROM: Your Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un
I want to apologize for not informing you of my whereabouts for almost six weeks this past fall and causing you undue heartache and concern but, of course, I cannot.
As I am infallible, apology is not an option for me and I must therefore gently chide you, my children, for needlessly worrying about my brief absence.
Yes, until mid-October I had not made a public appearance but, no, that should not have been cause for idle gossip about my status or health. Trust me; my legs are OK, my ankles are fine and I am still almost within fifty pounds of my ideal weight.
I have heard the rumors that I was AWOL with my good friend Dennis Rodman but I must dismiss such ill-founded speculation about my whereabouts. While Comrade Dennis and I did spend a recent fun weekend incognito in Las Vegas, it was just a three-day getaway and not a protracted absence.
Some have apparently even dared to utter the “C” word but that, my dear subjects, is laughable and, as you well know, punishable by death. There has been no coup and there will never be one so long as I am alive.
My loyal generals would not dream of questioning my rule. They know, as do you, that apart from playing the odd video game, I have spent every waking moment bettering our glorious republic. That is why they are wholeheartedly devoted to me although I suspect having my uncle and his entire family executed has played a small part in cementing their allegiance.
I had not planned to reveal the reason for my extended absence but since it has created a great deal of what those in Hollywood apparently call “buzz”, I will now do so. In fact, I was in Hollywood negotiating with Mr. Seth Rogen about necessary changes to his new movie The Interview which centers on a fictionalized assassination attempt of yours truly.
As you know, I like a good laugh as much as the next dictator but I fail to see the humor in a portrayal of me having my face melted off. Thankfully, after weeks of discussions and post-production edits, Sony Pictures and I have come to a reasonable agreement to delete my death scene and digitally remove thousands of buttons on military uniforms portraying me and my father.
Suffice it to say that my time in Hollywood was well spent as I managed to ensure the reputation of our great republic as well as garner a point or two on the gross. Be assured that I will be back in Pyongyang as soon as I have firmed up the terms on my new three-picture deal with Sony.