Local Police New Alpha Codes Fluster Criminals, Officers

Auburn police have found a new way to keep criminals from understanding their scanner chatter for ill, but unfortunately, not one of them has yet figured out how to use it for good.

The new alpha call signs, dubbed Cool Island Breeze, has proved to be anything but cool.

The alphabet, relying heavily on words starting with sounds other than those represented by their first letters, has faced dire criticism from patrolmen in the department.

“If I want to say a license plate is 123-XYZ, I have to read that back as 1-2-3, Xian, Ypsilanti, Zhivago. I can’t remember all that. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Other anonymous officers had more pointed complaints. “Why the hell is ‘e’ elicit, while ‘i’ is illicit? That makes no sense. There’s no way dispatch is going to know what I’m saying!” said officer Jacob Helmsworth, who requested we not use his name.

B&E veteran Spider Stone (his real name) countered, saying it’s not such a bad system. “It took us like five minutes to figure out the new system. We all have cheat sheets in the cars, but we don’t really need them. It’s a clever system, in that it messes with the cops, but it’s pretty dumb overall, since it didn’t actually work.”

Citizens of Auburn have taken different sides on the matter. Harold from south 39th street said, “who cares what they say, all but one of my windows are barred and the first bastard who comes through it is going to drink his full of buckshot,” while Marjorie Greene from Hilltop offered, “I don’t speak Twitter, but I’m sure this is for the best.”

Several officers have filed a grievance with their union, explaining that it’s neither effective nor useful. Union representatives were unable to comment on the story, since over 90% of their regional budget is currently devoted to defending officers from excessive use of force lawsuits.

Union intern Emma Mathers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained that only “about 30% of officers in the jurisdiction” are currently up on civil and/or criminal charges.

We’ve managed to obtain a copy of the complete alpha signs, seen here


Full text of above image

These are the department’s new alpha call signs. Memorize them immediately.
a – Aisle
b – Bdellium
c – Czar
d – Django
e – Elicit
f – Fohn
g – Gnat
h – Herbivore
i – Illicit
j – Jalepeno
k – Potassium
l – LLanos
m – Mnemonic
n – Ndomo
o – Ouija
p – Pterodactyl
q – Quran
r – Pirate
s – Sade
t – Tchaikovsky
u – Urine
v – Five
w – Wrap
x – Xian
y – Ypsilanti
z – Zhivago

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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