“Does this Stress Make Me Look Fat?” (Chapter Five: Crucifixion-size Nails)

More from Anthony Rhody’s book serial: “Does This Stress Make Me Look Fat?”

First of all:

I’m a recovering Catholic and a lapsed homosexual.

But enough about my career in politics.

What we know at this point and time:

Jesus was born a Jew but then he converted to Christianity.

Jesus went through a rebellious phase as a teenager when He claimed to be an atheist.

What we don’t know:

Did the Virgin Mary miss her period?

I suppose if I was forced to join one of the major organized religions I guess it would be Buddism because they seem to have the lowest body count.

The funny thing about Muslims is that

Besides which _____

My Jewish friend Sid is so kosher he avoids anything and everything having to do with pork –

Such as Kevin Bacon movies, Jon Hamm TV shows, pulling a hamstring, reading works by Francis Bacon, operating or even listening to hamm radio, and fantasizing about sex with Miss Piggy.

He does not have e-mail, because he’s convinced that Spam is not kosher either.


When the Holy Bible first came out, bookstores put it in their self-help section and books were even more expensive; a Bible would cost you like
several sheep or a good-size camel.

I find the Bible a constant source of perspiration –

Like this nugget:

“The meek shall inherit the Earth.”

Hell, they won’t even be mentioned in the will!

Jesus once said, “Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do
unto me.”

Now – what does He mean “least of”?

Is that a reference to those who are inferior in some way?

The poor, the disabled, the LGBT community?


And why just “brothers”?

Why not sisters?

Doesn’t it matter what is done to the sisters?

Jesus also once said:

“It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a
needle than for a rich man to get into heaven.”

Someday, when I’m rich enough, I’m going to manufacture the biggest fucking needle anyone has ever seen.

When that bon mot didn’t land Jesus said,

“When you give a man a fish you feed him for a day; But when you give a man 365 fish you feed him for a whole fucking year.”

I like the words of wisdom Mother Theresa had in regards to feeding the hungry:

“Always leave ’em wanting more.”

I wonder if Jesus wore one of those crosses around his neck.

When “The Passion of the Christ” came out it seemed like it was going to be
another predictable movie, but then had one of the all-time great surprise

Turns out He was dead the whole time!

Boy, it’s a good thing the apostles didn’t have Jesus cremated.

The 10 Commandments used to be the 20 Commandments, back in the olden days – before the movie when Charleton Heston wasn’t man enough to carry all four tablets down the mountain!

Here’s what you’ve been missing:

  1. “Do as I say, not as I do.”
  2. “Shoot first. Ask questions later.”
  3. “Always use a rubber.”
  4. “Don’t eat where you shit.”
  5. “Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.”
  6. “Never do today what you can put off ’til tomorrow.”
  7. “Don’t forget to floss.”
  8. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Wi-Fi.
  9. “The Bible is not a play-thing!”
  10. “Don’t ever try and take anything away from Charlton Heston.”

Now, for the epic sequel to get made!

“The Ten Commandments Reloaded.”

Amish people are a hoot.

I have no doubt that the moment visitors to Amish country leave, the Amish folk go right back to their high tech toys and appliances and fast cars and loose women.

I think that Jehovah’s Witnesses ought to be put into the Witness Relocation

For their own protection.

If you are Gay, remember the next time a religious “enthusiast” tells you,
“You’re going to hell, you know….”

Just smile and tell him,

“My bags are all packed.”

It’s not that I don’t like Evangelicals, it’s just that I don’t approve of their life-

Remember always: God doesn’t create homosexuals.

Straight people do.

Let’s all think about that while we take this time to go potty, get a drink of
water and smoke ’em if you got ’em and God speed (which is not to be
confused with Angel Dust, which is delicious).

Author: Anthony Rhody

My name is Anthony Rhody. I was born in a small midwestern town when I was very young. I am a recovering Catholic and lapsed homosexual. Henceforth I spend a lot less time on my knees. I was a film major at Columbia in Chicago after my career in high school ended in scandal and must-deserved notoriety, plus a diploma. After two years of life in a seventeen-story dorm I was told I should go to the west coast (true story). Since then I have been a screenwriter primarily and a playwright on rare occasion. When I realized a couple years ago I had too many notes on humor and funny schtick to ever use in screenplays I decided to try to see how many of them I could throw together as a book of humor. "Does This Stress Make Me Look Fat?" is that book, not a medical journal on over-eating. I don't have any children and as far as I know, no sexual partners. I have lived in San Francisco since before there was a homeless problem - sorry, before so many folks were home free.

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