In a surprising upset for gender equality groups, the Texas GOP passed a bill requiring men to have sonograms prior to receiving vasectomies.
This includes a three-day waiting period before going through with this “unGodly” procedure of “tearing asunder what God joined together [at birth,]” specifically one’s nutsack, according to head of the Texas GOP Chief Biblical Scholar Chick “Goober” Pease.
“We here in Texas believe in the Holy Word of Our Father, Art, whom are in Heaven.”
Goober went on to explain that, “Yes, we know the liberals that run the Supreme Court and Hollywood have made light of such ‘medical’ procedures that change the very dynamic of Godly, manly personhood as designed by the Creator, but just because it is the law of the land, doesn’t mean we can’t put as many roadblocks and hindrances as humanly possible in the way to those heathens who actually want to exercise their legal rights to a vasectomy.”
“We believe these wayward sinners, after being forced to have a sonogram picture made of their scrotum areas, and the low, low number of three days to ponder and pray on it mightily, might very well come to their senses and keep what God gave them, and go out and make as many babies as possible, like He Commandeth in the first damn place.”
An anonymous source at the politicians charity group “World Pease” suggested that “[he] doesn’t think consequence-free sex should be afforded to anyone,” but quickly added that he, “still loves his children very much.”
Those in the community know that Pease had children with his morbidly obese wife and second cousin a mere seven months after their marriage, but insist that access to birth control, sex education, Plan-B, and abortion should remain illegal “to teach the same lesson to present and future generations.”