Well, it only took me a day to beat The Respect Police! 😛
And to publish my astonishing revelation of the boundless grace, mercy and abhorrently irrational bullshit…
That Lord Jehovah (of Watchtower celebrity fame and stardom) dispenses to his most achingly subservient and submissive followers.
So, this is the latest (not-so-)private revelation from the Lord that Jehovah has granted unto his best buddies (abject servants) among the Witnesses.
OK, yeah thanks, Jeho-ho darling.
Oh, sorry, I assumed we were on first name terms by now.
Well yeah, I’ll tell our, um, my customers now…
Uh, sorry, my worshippers.
Well hey, everybody! Just got one damn-fine-sexy-little-policy-clarification from Jehovah.
Oh, by the way, TECHNICALLY, this isn’t a flip-flop. Never, ever doubt our character here at the Watchtower. And FAR LESS, our steadfast and absolute certainty of the truth.
And it CERTAINLY isn’t an attempt to reinterpret the eternal, unchanging word of God in response to new circumstances.
Like, that’s something punk-ass-extremist-liberal churches like Southern Baptists, Traditionalist Catholics and Heaven’s Gate do.
Or at least, they do this a hell of a lot more than WE do, which probably isn’t saying much.
And, it’s certainly not, WORST OF ALL…
I mean, c’mon! We’re the Watchtower. We may not be an “infallible prophetic organisation,” but we ARE a “prophetic organisation.”
No, don’t ask me what that means. It’s just semantics.
And although the Devil loves semantics (for he is the very creator and embodiment of the same)…
Well, Jehovah, by (fairly obvious!) contrast, just hates semantics.
Yeah, I mean, why would Jehovah want you to be arrogantly questioning THE MEANING OF THE WORDS WE USE? Such blind, presumptuous hubris!
No! Jesus Christ is The Logos, The Word. WE’RE…
Um, HE’S heavenly, and YOU’RE not.
So it obviously follows from this that the merely earthly-minded and created cannot understand the ineffable Word…
Nor indeed the plain and honest, common sense words we proclaim unto you.
OOF! Well, that was a nice Godly-Gish-sermon to tire you out. Now that you’re on the ropes, I’ll rush through the more embarrassing bit.
More heavenly delights next time.