Categorized | Human Interest, Religionism

Jehovah Flip-Flops on Smiting Blood Transfusion Patients (1/3)

Jehovah Flip-Flops on Smiting Blood Transfusion Patients (1/3)

Well, it only took me a day to beat The Respect Police! 😛

And to publish my astonishing revelation of the boundless grace, mercy and abhorrently irrational bullshit…

That Lord Jehovah (of Watchtower celebrity fame and stardom) dispenses to his most achingly subservient and submissive followers.

So, this is the latest (not-so-)private revelation from the Lord that Jehovah has granted unto his best buddies (abject servants) among the Witnesses.

OK, yeah thanks, Jeho-ho darling.

Oh, sorry, I assumed we were on first name terms by now.

Well yeah, I’ll tell our, um, my customers now…

Uh, sorry, my worshippers.

Well hey, everybody! Just got one damn-fine-sexy-little-policy-clarification from Jehovah.

Oh, by the way, TECHNICALLY, this isn’t a flip-flop. Never, ever doubt our character here at the Watchtower. And FAR LESS, our steadfast and absolute certainty of the truth.

And it CERTAINLY isn’t an attempt to reinterpret the eternal, unchanging word of God in response to new circumstances.

Like, that’s something punk-ass-extremist-liberal churches like Southern Baptists, Traditionalist Catholics and Heaven’s Gate do.

Or at least, they do this a hell of a lot more than WE do, which probably isn’t saying much.

And, it’s certainly not, WORST OF ALL…


I mean, c’mon! We’re the Watchtower. We may not be an “infallible prophetic organisation,” but we ARE a “prophetic organisation.”

No, don’t ask me what that means. It’s just semantics.

And although the Devil loves semantics (for he is the very creator and embodiment of the same)…

Well, Jehovah, by (fairly obvious!) contrast, just hates semantics.

Yeah, I mean, why would Jehovah want you to be arrogantly questioning THE MEANING OF THE WORDS WE USE? Such blind, presumptuous hubris!

No! Jesus Christ is The Logos, The Word. WE’RE…

Um, HE’S heavenly, and YOU’RE not.

So it obviously follows from this that the merely earthly-minded and created cannot understand the ineffable Word…

Nor indeed the plain and honest, common sense words we proclaim unto you.

OOF! Well, that was a nice Godly-Gish-sermon to tire you out. Now that you’re on the ropes, I’ll rush through the more embarrassing bit.

More heavenly delights next time.


This post was written by

- who has written 367 posts on

Conspirator-in-Chief of the Peace Criminals Project: Neocon Surveillance& Satirical-Industrial Complex! Also published on a range of satire sites. Currently co-editing Glossy News (under the webmaster, Brian K. White). Contact me to pitch or submit your satire! David Cameron says I am a #TerroristSympathizer. Islamists say I am an #Islamophobe. New Atheists think I am a #CravenApologistForPrimitiveBronzeAgeSuperstitions. MRAs & Alt-Right think I'm a #MatriarchalCuck. Others say I'm a #StraightMiddleClassWhiteBoy. And still more think I'm a #FuckingPleb. Just another edgy day at the Satirist's office! I am the Mayor of the Zero Fucks Community ;) @w_runnymede (Twitter)


Leave a Reply

We are also looking for a satire editor
and a Clever Photoshop Guru...
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL Videos) --

Glossy News Fake Commercials!

Glossy News Podcast

(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

Check This Out! shop dresses online

Recommended Sportsbook

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial