Glossy News, a top genetically altered news website on the Internet, has suddenly found itself in over its head in a lawsuit filed by the behemoth Disney Corporation.
It seems that Glossy last month published an article exposing the top secret plot outline for the new Star Wars movie, the first in an alleged trilogy of the famous Sci Fi series (see ‘SCOOP- Glossy News Gets The Script For The New Disney Star Wars Movie’ from Dec. 3, 2014).
Disney is claiming that Glossy’s publisher or several of its writers hacked into their computer bases stealing the script and other valuable data.
The ill-timed article gave away a lot of the elements of the story that Disney was trying so hard to keep secret. The killing off of all the major characters from the first series was a major surprise, especially after the great effort put into getting them to reprise their roles (Sorry about that spoiler.)
Also revealed is the fact that Darth Vader was a screaming gay transvestite and that Hans Solo later ran the Millennium Falcon as an intergalactic bordello starring Princess Leia and numerous Wookies and Ewoks was also a shocker.
The ruthless hacking, perhaps an intentional copycat of the Sony hacking over the movie The Interview, has also resulted in the releasing of a lot of Disney files and executive emails. Shocking photos of Mickey and Minnie Mouse play acting sex acts from the Kama-Sutra, of Goofy’s and Pluto’s hidden ‘relationship’, and of Walt Disney’s hidden employee opium den beneath Magic Mountain have been circulating on social media.
Embarrassing emails have surfaced over some of the stars in the film. One addressed to the Disney talent scout complains of “…Donald Ducks incomprehensible speaking ability. We should sneak an offer over to Daffy Duck at Warner Brothers and try to bring him over to our payroll….”
Another set of emails seem to suggest the possibility of a money laundering Disney “puppy mill” selling units of 101 dalmatians. Some rumored that The Beast from Beauty and the Beast was really a stunted Wookie.
An anonymous email was also sent to Scrooge McDuck suggesting that if he didn’t part with a cool $2 million “tail and other feathers of his might find their way into an L.L. Bean winter jacket”. Slutty photos of former Mouseketeer Brittany Spears have also been outed, but that is nothing new.
The severity of the hacking has brought the FBI into the picture. Disney pulled some strings to bring them on the scene and has raised the severity quotient of the situation. Disney’s entire image and alleged character are at stake here.
Authorities have tracked down and arrested the author of the article, a shady character known to the Internet world as ‘rfreed’ and are interrogating him. Water-boarding techniques have so far not resulted in any firm information. Dick Cheney himself has insisted that they “Try harder!”
Glossy publisher Brian White, himself a cracker jack computer whiz, has also been questioned regarding the breach. Mr. White has already come under the scrutiny of the Religious Right’s Resurrection Of Rules Reinforcement organization for his highly questionable short films and articles. A shipping out to Guantanamo Bay under the Sedition Act may follow.
There is a strong suspicion that rfreed had others helping him in his devious hacking. Other suspects being sought are a writer going by the moniker ‘Kilroy’, a suspected subversive, and an international mystery figure who calls himself ‘TM’.
It is widely believed that they aided Mr. rfreed, a virtual computer illiterate, in the hacking scam. TM, a foreign resident, could be a link to a world wide cult of movie hackers. Anyone knowing of their whereabouts should contact the FBI or Interpol. Or waterboard them yourselves if you have the time and the inclination.