Categorized | Religionism

Hey Mormons, Stop By & Answer a Few Questions

Hey Mormons, Stop By & Answer a Few Questions

I had a limited understanding of Mormons, those of the Latter Day Saints faith, prior to 2012 when Romney became the Republican nominee… but now that he’s out there front and center, I have some serious questions to ask you guys.

I knew a few Mormons in high school, a few more in college, and a bigger handful since becoming an adult. Here’s what I would say from my experience with Mormons up until that point.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Mormons Are:

1 – Never criminal.
2 – Family-centric.
3 – Conservative.
4 – Honest.

But since seeing Mitt Romney elevated to the role of World’s Most Visible Mormon, my faith in your people has been shaken. Seriously, what do you people really stand for?

Without seeing Mitt Romney’s tax returns, we just don’t know if he’s a criminal or not. Many reporters have suggested that he may have taken advantage of the 2009 Amnesty program for those with un-reported cash stashed overseas… this is not impeachable, but it’s a big, big question, and one that requires an answer.

It has an answer, and only one person can provide it… his name is Mitt Romney. Why won’t he provide this answer. What’s so bad about the truth?

Family-centric? Mitt Romney is absolutely pro-family, unless of course you mean the families of the people he put out of work for his own personal gain. This is an unfair attack, so let’s get on to the better points.

Is Mitt Romney conservative? Absolutely not. The only point he’s put forward firmly is tax cuts for the rich. We also need revenue increases, read that as tax increases, across the board. For the lowest class up to the highest class, but he’s only pledged to cut, cut, cut, and mostly for those who are already super rich.

And now we come to honesty, and this is where I have a real problem with Mitt Romney, and also the entirety of Mormonism. Sorry LDS folk, but he’s your most visible face, and he’s a dirty, stinking liar.

I used to believe Mormons. They held the moral high ground. When they said the sky was grey, I believed them, because it might be cloudy and they always tell the truth, right? But Mitt Romney routinely says the sky is green, and I don’t have to look out the window to know that that’s a load of bull hooey.

Here’s what I’ve learned this year about Mormons and the truth:

– Mitt Romney, a former bishop and stake president, has told over five-hundred lies.
– Mormons believe it’s okay to lie for the Lord.
– Mormons deny that God was recently a dude, and one who lives on the planet Kolob circling a nearby star.
– Black people, homosexuals, women and polygamy have a mixed past in the faith, and we shouldn’t ask about them.

So please, Mormons, come in to the comments below and tell me why I’m wrong.

Tell me why I should ever believe anything any Mormon ever tells me ever again. I mean ever.

When you come to my door and try to tell me that you have the truth… why should I believe you, knowing that your people are wholly enshrined in a culture of lies?

After all, Mitt Romney is your guy, but he still polls at 77% among the LDS community… shouldn’t that drop with his glut of absolute lies? Do you even care that your de facto figurehead is lying so much?

I know you are a people of faith, and that with that, you have to accept a lot of outrageous claims without evidence, that’s true of adherents to any faith. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, but don’t you know that Joseph Smith was a known confidence man, a charlatan?

So please, dear faithful. Consider the comments box below as your open forum. I’ll approve any and all comments you post (take that as a word of caution, even your angry vitriol will be posted.) So tell me why I’m wrong. Tell me why lying is okay, and why the myriad lies you’ve told before are not open to discussion.

I do appreciate your dedication to the family unit, and I’ve still never met a Mormon who has wronged me… but I also haven’t met Mitt Romney, and if he’s the ambassador for your faith, you guys have your heads placed somewhere other than on your shoulders… or in the sand… it’s up your ass is what I’m saying.


This post was written by

- who has written 406 posts on

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.