Recession Success of Walmart, McDonalds Proves God “Kind of a Jerk”

As a sign of His contempt for mankind and its ways, God has played the biggest practical joke of all time by allowing the worst exploiters of the economy and the human work force to be the only ones making a profit in the present recession.

Both Walmart and McDonald’s have had huge profits while the rest of the economy has floundered. The masses of people, fearing layoffs, foreclosures and looming poverty have been flocking to the renowned cheap mass market outlets to save their dwindling cash reserves.

Meanwhile, honest small businesses who do not have the immense capital or slave labor that Walmart and McDonald’s enjoy have sunk under and gone out of business.

The working and middle class that they employ are laid off, losing jobs, losing hard earned savings, and losing health insurance coverage while the worst two perpetrators of labor and environmental exploitation make out like bandits. It is an irony only God could create.

“I’ll show the little wussies on planet Earth what real pain is!” God said in a recent interview with Fox News, the only TV station that God sanctions. ” Always bitching about being lonely or needing money for a car or wanting this thing or that thing. I’ll give you all something to really bitch about!” A crackle of thunder and lighting broached the air as He said this.

As a sign of their thanks for His sponsorship, both Walmart and McDonald’s are installing drive-up Chapels in all their locations. In a joint venture, they are starting a new religious sect called First Church of Big Bucks wherein higher execs will act as ordained priests and all who shop at the stores must join or starve.

Plans have been laid out that, as the new religion grows, all other churches will be driven out of business, absorbed into theirs or banned outright until the Big Buck church is the only one left. For Walmart that will be business as usual.

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at

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