Tennessee’s Jackass Race Still Too Close to Call

Insiders have always watched Tennessee elections closely. The reasons for this scrutiny are varied. Partly, it’s the famous axiom ‘As Tennessee goes, so goes Kentucky usually.’ More than that though, the Volunteer state has always provided America with a cornucopia of self-serving, condescending twits.

From Lamar Alexander to Al Gore, it’s statistically undeniable that the next brain numbingly boring person to seize the national spotlight will hail from the rocks and hills of Tennessee. So it’s understandable that in tumultuous 2010, all eyes turn to the state’s gubernatorial contest.

There, the battle is about whom can look like a bigger gun nut. The race has centered on this critical issue because both men have equally tepid resumes, and both candidates are equally brain numbingly boring individuals.

Insiders are currently giving the Democrat a slight edge, due to a recent faux pas from his GOP rival. Asked whether business owners can prohibit employees keeping loaded firearms in their vehicles on company property, the Republican’s answer was seen as ‘a little soft.’

The candidate has gone into full damage control, saying he misheard the question, given his impaired hearing due to many years as an active firearms user. According to experts, it may be too little too late. Said Wanda Carlson, owner/manager of Nashville’s prestigious ‘Of course it’s Fried’ bistro, “Only so many times you can fart and blame it on the dog, sugar.”

Per Carlson’s analysis, the electorate’s mood is for a decisive leader. Obama is seen as a weak executive, and voter frustration with him influences all 2010 races. People don’t care if elected leaders espouse positions that are insane, as long as they’re decisive.

Insiders say it’s unimportant to the race that the second amendment was written to ensure the security of private property. A business is private property; owners have a right to regulate behavior on their premises.

The Democrat has earned high marks for deft exploitation of the situation. A last minute media buy has flooded the airwaves with a new commercial. In the soundless black & white ad a little girl is seen picking wildflowers. Following that are images of 9/11. The commercial ends with words on the screen, “How many will die next time, because you weren’t allowed to bring your gun to work?”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

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