Wallace Runnymede is currently being persecuted by the malign and conspiratorial forces of international global justice, for his tiresome, lamentable screed on NewsBiscuit:
Estate of Unnamed 80s Tory Leader Arranges ‘Racist Wildebeest’ Superinjunction.
This headline has nothing whatsoever to do with pro-apartheid South African wildlife, in case you were wondering.
In fact, it has nothing whatsoever to do with former Tory leaders, the estates of former Tory leaders, wildebeest, racist wildebeest, racism, racists, authoritarian political systems in postcolonial Africa (South Africa or otherwise), or the funny little hoof marks outside the ‘dogging’ station at Number 10.
(No, the latter was not a nifty verbal substitution of zoological terms, and I have never so much as raised the question of such a substitution!
Including just now.
And…
Just now!)
In fact, everything I have just written here is merely a facetious and opportunistic artistic conceit, and there is not even so much as a straight-vanilla lower-upper-middle-class injunction at stake, let alone a superinjunction.
That said, you can always let your imagination run free. There are no laws and injunctions against thought.
…
Nor did I even tentatively suggest for one moment that there were!
Whew! That about covers it!
…
Well, it would do, if there were actually anything to cover.
Or indeed, if I had even been so rash and lawless as to raise the question of there being anything…
Ah, I’ll stop here. There’s just no bottom, is there?
But now, the ‘plot’ thickens. Omnipresent Amnesty donor and covert Pyongyang sweatshop owner Rab McDough says:
This is an absolute crime against My Common Humanity! The Conservatives have always stood up for the poor, the weak, the impoverished and disenfranchised.
… Oh, shit! ‘Stand up for?’ I meant, ‘create.’ But that’s just meaningless quibbling over words, which doesn’t concern ‘us’ right now. Bigger fish to fry. Psst… Harry. How’s the whaling?
Yup! That’s right, funnel off 10% from the blubber as a donation to the Free Animal Emancipation Army! No, don’t sign any of that ‘conflict of interest’ bullshit. What they don’t know can’t hurt ’em… yet! No, no! Don’t forget what happened to that stupid father of yours when he crossed me!
Anyway… thanks for the interview. $9 000 please! Remember, saving humanity is hard work, and honest, industrious wealth creators like me need YOUR support!
Charity Silver, rival humanitarian enterpreneur from the imaginatively-entitled Silver-McDough Joint Humanitarian Enterprises Cartel, moans:
The ‘Porkgate’ meme was actually invented by someone else! This Wallace idiot merely added a new caption at the top. And that stupid joke about ‘creating’ versus ‘standing for’ already appeared in another piece by a certain pretentious jerk…
I mean, it’s frickin’ ridiculous! Why is this asshole so damn self-referential? What’s with repeating all this trite, predictable, cliched crap over and over again? I just could never, EVER respect someone who was, you know, some kind of self-indulgent, arrogant loser who keeps repeating the same mind-numbing claptrap over and over and over again! It’s just such an offence to Our Common Humanity, and I really believe the Global Village can do better than this!