SAN NARCISO, Calif. — Ceremonies will be held today in honor of William Fallopian, a local San Narciso boy turned hero. Fallopian, son of Mike Fallopian, a well known Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the Peter Pinguid Society, works for the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) at Los Angeles International Airport. Fallopian garnered national attention last week when, during a routine full body screening, he detected testicular cancer in a traveler waiting for clearance at the security checkpoint.
“I wasn’t sure what I was looking at when [passenger] Hoden entered the scanner,” Fallopian explained. “He was wearing pleated trousers, which is a big problem; the pleats blur the image. Next month, passengers with pleated clothing will need to place their pants or skirts in the bins with their shoes, belts, keys, cell phones, computers, jackets, vests, sweaters, ties, scarves and…well, I actually can’t remember the entire list. Anyway, I took a closer look at the screen and realized that the dark shadow in Mr. Hoden’s scrotal area wasn’t a distortion from the pleats or the machine image. I’m at UCLA med right now, and we’ve been studying testicular cancer. I knew right away that’s what I was dealing with here.”
The new TSA body scanners, referred to as Advanced Imaging Technology (AIT), bombard passengers with uncommonly high levels of radiation. “It’s like a gigantic X-ray machine,” Fallopian continued. “I could see everything. Probably better than doctors at hospitals.”
Fallopian asked Hoden to step out of line and accompany him to the semi-private “pat down” area. Fortunately for Hoden, TSA protocols now allow officers to grope and prod the genitals of air line passengers.
Fallopian told reporters that he led Hoden behind the screening curtain and donned his sterile gloves. “It’s a lucky thing we can do this now. After about five minutes of fondling Mr. Hoden’s scrotum and squeezing his testicles, I was certain that he had cancer. When he stopped screaming at me and threatening legal action, I was able to inform him of my diagnosis.”
Mr. Hoden could not be reached for comment, but the lawyer representing Mr. Hoden issued the following statement.
“Yes, Mr. Hoden went to see his doctor. Following a humiliating series of tests, rivaled only by the humiliating groping administered by a TSA agent in his second year of undergraduate studies, oncologists could not detect any trace or prospect of cancer. We are currently building a suit against the airport, the TSA, and the agent who clearly overstepped the bounds accorded him by governmental procedures.”
When asked to respond to the lawyer’s statement, William Fallopian said, “Well, I’ve thought about what he said. I look at it this way: I’m a medical student, and I can tell you what size underwear you have on when you pass through the scanning device. I can tell your cup size, ladies. I see everything. No, I wasn’t wrong. I think the huge dose of radiation from the machine probably killed the cancer developing in Mr. Hoden’s sack. I mean, that’s how we treat cancer, with radiation therapy. And these babies kick out a heroic dose of electromagnetic radiation. Like this one time, I saw the unit suck the car keys right out of some old guy’s pocket. Shredded his leg on the way out. So, yeah, I think I cured his cancer. I saved that guy’s life. So go ahead and sue, Mr. Hoden. YOU’RE WELCOME.”
Mayor Manny di Presso will preside over the festivities, with Yoyodyne CEO Clayton “Bloody” Chiclitz presenting Fallopian with a community service award and full scholarship for the rest of his college tuition. Chiclitz told reporters, “The Fallopian family is a keystone in the Yoyodyne organization, as well as the local community. When young William finishes his education at UCLA, I have every intention of bringing him into the Yoyodyne fold. The Hoden family should be kissing his feet and thanking the Lord Above that we have such people in our town. Keeping people safe, that’s what the TSA is for. But in a place like LA, so full of paranoid and litigious megalomaniacs, you can’t expect gratitude.”
When asked how the potential law suit might affect the morale of local citizens, Chiclitz said, “Oh, it doesn’t matter in the long run. We’ll never stop producing civic-minded, quality folks in San Narciso; we’ll never stop trying to do the right thing. That’s just how we roll.”