Cable Professionals United Against Hurtful Stereotypes spokesperson Carl Tuckerson spoke to reporters today on the newly minted group’s grievances and plans. Per Tuckerson, the CPUAHS was formed in defensive reaction to a pervasive, insidious and pernicious media campaign to brand all cable installers as moronic slackers.
“Ha ha ha it’s all funny to break American workers’ hearts for money, huh? Hey, are you done with those fries? OK, no prob, just asking. So this whole ‘Blue Collar Comedy Tour’ that’s wildly profitable?
“First, if you can afford ticket price, you’re probably not blue collar. Second, let’s dispel a mystery that perhaps challenges many Einsteins. That whole ‘blah blah blah, something house trailer, you might be a redneck’ stuff? Look, if you’re in the audience, you are a redneck.”
The famed pundit took a few moments to adjust his signature bow tie, collect his many important thoughts, and then continued mercilessly.
“This isn’t really about millionaires hawking soul connection with dead enders at $75 a pop; it’s about that Cable guy Larry.” Tuckerson then detailed a long list of divorces and suicides caused by the comedian who ‘claims’ to have been a cable installation provider.
“That fat guy earning a fortune by feeding the worst possible stereotypes to a gullible America? He probably wouldn’t know a co-axial splicer from a transducer box. CPUAHS members aren’t barely educated inarticulate morons. Most of our membership comes from prestigious colleges, with degrees in English Lit and Gender Studies; stuff like that.
“These people aren’t stupid, they’re Americans just trying to earn a living and pay back student loans. For my clients, it’s especially hurtful to watch a guy who probably can’t quote from Chaucer earning a fortune by portraying them as morons.”
CPUAHS plans a protest march against Larry the Cable Guy, on Wednesday sometime between Noon and 6:00pm.