Last Saturday, over a dozen “rave” party-goers were taken to hospital in the Boston suburb of Cambridge. The ostensible culprit was “bad ecstasy”, but the pills, sold for $25 to $35 each, turned out to be nothing more than novelty dinosaur sponge toys in capsule form, which once ingested, immediately inflated to cause serious issues.

While racist operatives were not readily available to insist that these “bunk” pills were sold by faceless African Americans, the people we spoke with all insisted these obviously suspicious capsules were sold at tremendous premiums by young, white hipsters, specifically with younger, whiter, illegal teen girls by their sides.

Police Investigator David Newholt said that this was “an ongoing investigation,” and that he “couldn’t be quoted on anything [he was] saying,” adding, “seriously, this is a crime scene, kids are sick as hell, I need you to turn that thing off.”

These pills aren’t just dangerous, say some, but they could even be potentially harmful.

Investigator Newholt added, “seriously, is that thing turned off now? Because if it isn’t I’m perfectly ready to Taze you, bro.”

Our resident expert, Special-J, offered this advice. “If you get anything in a capsule, don’t buy it. And if you do buy it, don’t eat it. [If you do buy it, it's probably a dinosaur sponge toy and it's your own fault for eating it.]”

Persons interested in imbibing of ecstasy (MDMA) are encouraged to seek help (by some) or just buy it from a proper dealer (by others.)