Karma: Riot Cops Gas Themselves

Eighteen trainee officers have suffered burns to the faces, gone blind and had their lungs permanently damaged during a CS gas spray training exercise for the Greater Manchester Police’s ‘Riot Plod Squad’. The rookie recruits – hired from the redundant ranks of New Labour’s quango Renta-Thug sadist agency – were made to walk through clouds of the chemical mist to experience what it would be like to be ‘herding and kettling’ crowds of unruly jobless peasant demonstrators and other domestic terrorist types without the protection of gas masks.

Since the incident occurred at the Bell End extraordinary rendition centre at Smegmadale last week GMP has suspended CS spray drills while an investigation is carried out into how the training exercise batch of chemical toxicant came to be spiked with a blend of Zyklon B ‘Shower Power’ gas and the nerve agent Sarin GB.

CS is used in spray form by many police forces as a tool for riot control – and a temporary incapacitant to subdue violent and aggressive offenders – such as drugged-up grannies pushing into the weekly pension giro queue at the Post Office.

It is further deployed to disperse mobs of protesters attempting to lynch crooked politicians for buggering up the economy and causing a crippling recession while simultaneously stuffing their own pockets with goodies from the Parliamentary Renta-Perk pork barrel fund.

All affected cadet officers were placed on restricted duties after the fatal training day last week – with nine recruits being provided with white walking sticks and Labrador guide dogs, a further six booked in for NHS cornea and lung transplants and the remaining three confined to the GMP mortuary.

GMP spokesman Inspector Gordon Fuctifino told a reporter from the Snafu Gazette that the rookie squad had emerged from the cloud of CS gas staggering aimlessly or on their hands and knees – vomiting litres of green spew and coughing up bloodied lumps of seared lung tissue.

“As part of initial police training officers are given a level of exposure to CS spray so they can understand the impact it has when used on defenceless unemployed peasant types involved with illegal demo’s – however the effects usually elicit bouts of coughing and a few tears – and not have the recruits resembling the survivors of Hiroshima.”

Inspector Fuctifino concluded “An initial review of the circumstances surrounding the training balls-up has been completed and apparently the dodgy batch of CS gas had come from a shipment recently delivered from Tel Aviv – the same brand as the Israeli Defence Force use against Hamas and their the Gaza Gangsters – and those naughty Palestinian children who throw stones at the IDF’s battle tanks.”

“However we’ve now shipped it back under warranty as it’s not exactly what we ordered – with a quite strong letter of complaint attached.”

“All those recruits who were affected in the training exercise – not just the ones who have already submitted personal injury claims through the Ambulance-Chasers-R-Us law offices – will be given medical support by the GMP – like cornea and lung transplants – or decent Christian burials where required.”

Wilf McScrunt, spokesman for the Anarchist’s Popular Front, told a reporter from the Fubar Review “Serves the twats right – now they know ‘ow we feel when they blast us with the shit every time we ‘old a bit of a demo’ outside the effin’ Town ‘all ter protest against stupid wheelie bin fines an’ council snitches pokin’ their effin’ noses over yer garden wall ter see if yer ‘ave a new shed.”

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com