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Top Dog US General: Afghan War is FUBAR

Top Dog US General: Afghan War is FUBAR

The commanding US general in Afghanistan has called for a revised military strategy, suggesting the current one is totally Fubar.

In a top secret strategic assessment sent to the US Central Command – endorsed with a bright red “Eyes Only : Don’t show more than a Dozen” stamp, four star General Billy Bob McTwattie declared that while the Afghan military situation had been a calamitous screw-up since Day One, the conflict was winnable over the next twenty years – or so – if troop strengths were boosted to the Johnson administration’s Vietnam heyday numbers of half a million good ole boys – and the Taliban would play by the established rules of war by coming out to fight fair n square and lie down when dead.

The entire contents of the report somehow seem to have been leaked and ended up posted on the Warmongers.com and Jihadist Uruknet websites – even before being received and studied by the Joint Chiefs of Staff or the O’Barmy White House. So much for Fed-Ex security.

A quick glimpse of the web-posted report reveals General McTwattie pronouncing that the Taliban are as big a problem today fighting with guerrilla mujahideen tactics as when the Soviets were playing the part of Infidel invaders and getting their collective arses kicked from Kandahar to Herat to Qonduz to Kabul – and back to Kandahar.

Web publication of the embarrassing leaked report comes as further results from last week’s presidential election have just been released – with US Muppet President Hamid Kami Karzai and his ‘Fill Yer Pockets’ party still – unsurprisingly – in the lead.

So now the Washington New World Order Zionist hawks led by Joint Chief’s boss General Shylock Scumbaum are tut-tutting and whispering amongst themselves in shadowy corners of the Pentagon and Capitol Hill if McTwattie is exactly the right man for the job and simply not another over-decorated gung-ho duckegg.

A recent bio’ of the ascetic General – who only eats one meal a week (raw donkey liver) and has reputedly never jacked off – appeared as the lead article in last month’s Conquistador magazine, with a graduation photo of McTwattie looking like a crew-cut refugee from Fraggle Rock.

McTwattie left Utah’s St Sodom’s School for Latter Day Pederasts with what former teachers described as a “Fair grasp of the 3 R’s for a child with the IQ of a racoon.”

Entering the US Military Academy at West Point in 1976 he founded the now-famous Plebes Halitosis Society and performed in several comic stage revues doing a ventriloquist act with his pet fish – Charlie the multi-lingual Koi carp.

Known down the ranks as a petty martinet and an absolute precisian, McTwattie led one of the pathetic Carter administration’s early US Embassy hostage rescue missions into Iran in 1980 ; specifically the ill-fated ‘Operation Desert Fuckup’ wherein the rescue helicopters ran out of fuel and crash landed in Oman – on the wrong side of the Persian Gulf – due a map-reading error.

Speaking candidly after being made aware his Top Secret / Confidential report was splashed right across the internet, McTwattie told a reporter from the Genocide Gazette that villages have to be seized from the Taliban and held, not merely taken – repeating the same true blue fortified hamlet mistake the US military made in Vietnam.

McTwattie also wants more direct military engagement with the Taliban fighters – man to man on the battlefield and no more pussy-footing around with their sneaky Maoist guerrilla tactics.

“This Taliban Dan and his insurgent guys are worse than the gooks in ’Nam – they don’t play fair or know when they’re beaten.”

“Let’s just hope it doesn’t turn out to be yet another Nixonesque “Peace with Honour” deal and we have to get the fuck outa here after a major arse-kickin’ with our tails draggin’ in the dirt again.”

“Personally I’m all for issuin’ the order to bring peace to Afghanistan by snuffin’ every fucker livin’ here that’s old enough to bleed.”

One wonders if General McTwattie has ever heard of Santayana’s Law of Repetitive Consequences, which sagely states : Those who cannot learn from History are doomed to repeat it.

This especially applies to Afghanistan – the Graveyard of Empires – from the time of the pre-Deluge Indus Valley civilizations through to Alexander the Great and on – and on – and ?

Ah well, there you are Mr. McTwattie – the trials and tribulations of delivering your patented brand of Democracy where it’s not wanted – by any fucker or their dog.

So, good luck General – for each foot of sovereign land your New Zion Masters deem to conquer shall be paved with their own dead.

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- who has written 211 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com

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