Every day, millions of Americans get sick. If they’re smart, they’ll go to Google before hitting up their local HMO provider. Most of them get the wrong diagnosis, but they save a fortune along the way.
Based on our research, we’ve collected a number of case studies of individuals who have sought the sage advice of Google before going in for proper treatment.
Below are just a few of our case studies:
Stomach Pain – Jake from Newbury, Connecticut was suffering mild abdomenal pain and Googled his symptoms. Thanks to the magic of the internet, he now knows he’s suffering from ovarian cancer. Our prayers are with him.
Bed Wetting – Carl from Greenston, North Carolina, had been experiencing recent episodes of bed wetting. As a thirty-four-year-old who recently started living with his alcoholic, 17-year-old adopted sister, he found this disturbing. After a web search he was able to determine that he suffered from PTSD related to time spent in combat situations with the US army. Carl believes that this is a warning sign since he is only eight years old and has only been in a combat situation on his PS2.
Lack of Mental Focus – Amanda from Walla Walla, Washington reported difficulty thinking along with droopy eyes. Thanks to a quick search online, Amanda was able to determine that she’s suffering Adult Onset Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
Detached Reality – Eric from Richmond, Virginia found that during a recent episode of his detached reality, Eric believed that those around him were in agreement with what he had to say. It was only after extensive research of medical issues on the internet that Mr. Cantor was able to understand that his values were not shared by anyone who actually had an informed opinion. The internet wisely suggested a treatment of seppuku.
Insatiable Thirst – Bill from Sacramende, California was experiencing high levels of thirst, blurred vision, confusion and his urine smelling like maple syrup. Thanks to a quick web search, he was able to determine that he’s likely experiencing a low sodium level in his diet.
Abdominal Swelling – Brittney from Syracuse, New York has been experiencing abdominal discomfort since the Fall Dance, when she volunteered to allow group love be administered all up inside her. Since then she’s had vomiting, discomfort, frequent urination, swelling of the abdomen, weeping, painful sores on her private area, and frequent local spasms to the front of her stomach. After a quick Googling she was able to determine that what she suffers is “gas” and a bladder infection, and it should pass within a few days, with over-the-counter yeast medication.
Black Spot In Vision – Cat from Glandsdown, Arkansas is thankful for the ability to research her condition. Kitty (not actual name, just one that those who actually know her would be able to identify her by, so what the hell is the point of using an alias if those who you don’t want to know you are able to identify you anyway) was able to figure out that her glasses required regular cleaning. This has saved her not only a large amount of money, but also ridicule from her peers. She is now considering Lasik from one of many fine providers in her area for good measure.
Blurred Vision – Jeremy Townsend from Medford, Oregon has been suffering from blurred vision for the past two weeks, even since he was struck by a car while crossing the street downtown. Googling his symptoms of nausea, blurred vision, and lack of motor coordination, he realized that he most likely has an inner ear infection, which will pass on its own within a few weeks.
Enlarged Testicles – Matt from Boston, Massachusettes was suffering in silence with a condition that included a recent enlargement of his testicles. After a search of a highly rated medical web site Matt was able to identify his symptoms as those related to “Strokeitoff”. This condition effects many young people who live closely with others and do not have the opportunity to find private time for sexual release. It had been a leading cause of concern for the Catholic priests prior to the discovery of minors, but has been relatively unheard of since.
Annoying Facial Tics – Harry from Whippesaw Falls, Idaho developed a tic over his left eye that became so annoying, he had to move out of his house. Less than two hours after he left home, the tic subsided. Upon returning home and getting an earful from his hot, but high-maintenance wife telling him to take out the trash, do the laundry, and bring her a beer, the tic came back stronger than ever. Upon researching this online, Harry discovered he was suffering from Yes Dear Tic-itis of which there is no cure other than divorce. When he Googled it further, he found that in just NINE DAYS HE COULD HAVE A WANG LIKE A CLUB, and he’s never looked back.
Inability to Understand Song Lyrics – Johnny “J-man” Rocker from Portland, Oregon first developed the inability to understand song lyrics when he was 11 years old and heard the Kingsmen singing Lou Eye, L’weigh. From there he got worse at deciphering what he was hearing. “All Right Now” by Bad Company, according to J-man, contained the word “fuc*ing and he could not understand how Bad Company got away with it. Finally, after realizing he wouldn’t be able to start his own band, he Googled his condition and found that he had Lewy Body Dementia. Fortunately, the cure was to Google lyrics to songs and learn them phoenetically. He is now lead singer in Mott the Hooplah.
Excessive Sweating – Jonny from Chicago, Illinois is a self-described gang banger who suddenly found that he was sweating excessively. A WebMD exploration of his symptoms revealed that the lead that Jonny had implanted in him by a rival gang member resulted in terminal lead poisoning. He prognosis is bleak, but his legacy amongst the many children he fostered will live on for many years.
Hair Thinning – Mike from a small town in Pennslyvania was experiencing long term hair loss. A web search of his condition revealed that Mike was suffering from a rare genetic disease that often resulted in many of the exact symptoms that Mike was currently experiencing. Although there is currently no known cure for his condition, there is on the positive side the reduction in personal expenses for hair care products. He is also a candidate for HAIR REPLACEMENT NOW! YOU COULD HAVE A FULL HEAD OF HAIR IN JUST 10-DAYS, ORDER NOW!!!
If you are suffering from conditions of an unknown affliction, please go to the web and search it out. I had a girlfriend once who thought my rash meant I was in the late stages of syphilis, but she still made vibrant, earth-shattering, un-protected love to me, so don’t be afraid.
Seek out the answers, and when you find them, assume that they are true. And don’t let anyone, least of all some “doctor” with all his “PhDs” tell you otherwise.
For those of you scoring along at home:
ANSWERS: 1-Intestinitis. 2-Bedwetting. 3-Exhaustion. 4-Republicanism. 5-Diabetes. 6-Adolescent-Onset Pregnancy. 7-Dirty Glasses. 8-Traumatic Brain Injury. 9-Excessive Masturbation Syndrome. 10-Spousal Dissatisfaction Syndrome. 11-No Condition. 12-Lead Poisoning. 13-Male Pattern Baldness.