Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food

Researchers from the government’s Institute for Wasting Time & Money have recently decided that the food provided in HM Prisons is better than in NHS hospitals – which ultimately may support the pointless argument that people live longer in prisons than they do in hospitals.

Rupert Fuctifino, the gourmet columnist from the Chew & Spew Gazette, did a blind taste test to determine the quality of food offered to prisoners and NHS patients and concluded the Department of Health’s culinary delights might be palatable to a family of starving pigs but resembled the topping of a farmyard midden after the rats and magpies had finished their daily snack routines – of eat and shit at the same time. So much for today’s hospital special Italian surprise lunch: baked lasagne.

Fuctifino’s comments regarding the HM Prison nosh were “If you are in prison then the diet you get is extremely good in terms of nutritional content – as you have the time on your hands to choose healthy fruit and salad veggie options – and what you eat is the only distraction from getting buggered by the other sodomite inmates 24/7.”

Conversely Department of Health spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gulpp told a reporter from the Undertakers Gazette that most patients were satisfied with the food they receive in hospitals – especially so the Ethiopian refugees who arrived suffering from malnutrition and often ate the flowers out of a vase on the bedside cabinet between meals.

However Professor of Dietetics Sir Morton McTwattie, who was awarded the Nobel Prize for his Apple & Walnut Jaffa Cake recipe in 2006, hypothesised that about 75% of patients entering hospitals were already malnourished due their illnesses and this did not tend to improve during their stay – especially so if they had cancer and then selfishly died before they completed their mandated course of treatment.

BNP member Leighton Thugarotti, the Chief Chef at Smegmadale’s NHS Trust Hospital – where outbreaks of salmonella, E-coli and clostridium botulism recently decimated the in-patient ranks – is an ex-con himself – originally jailed for six months for mass murder while working in the kitchens of London’s Dorchester Hotel and dosed the soup tureen of a group of Arab diners with plutonium flakes – earning himself the title of the Raghead Poisoner.

Thugarotti told a reporter from Pox News that “When I woz workin’ in the prison kitchens we ‘ad our own veggie gardens an’ green’ouses and all that kind of good shit so we got fresh stuff. But ‘ere at the ‘ospital all yer get is cheapo crap food comin’ in from the markets wot’s past its sell-by date.”

“So anyways yer do the best yer can wiv it like an’ try an’ ‘ide the taste by givin’ it plenty of spices.”

“A lot of the folks like me cookin’ but yer always get some whingein’ gits like that Paki twat Mr Irawaddy an’ ‘is effin’ mates wiv duodenal ulcers complaining cos the pork vindaloo curry burns the shit out of what bit’s left of ‘is stomach linin’ and ‘e want fruit salad and ice cream ter cool it off.”

“Bollocks I tells ‘em – we follers the Malthusian concept ‘ere that if yer don’t eat yer don’t shit – and if yer don’t shit then yer die!”

But research suggests further problems are caused because meals are likely to be at a set time, when patients may be having tests or treatment – such as a heart transplant – which proved to be the case with 95-year old Arthur Scrunt – a retired ferret stretcher.

“’ere I am tryin’ ter ‘ave a nibble at me rhubarb tart dessert with no effin’ dentures and this slapper of a Somalian nurse is tryin’ ter give me an enema wot’s meant fer the old slag in the next bed. Really, it put me right off me food – ‘avin’ that effin’ tube shoved up my arse while me gob was full of rhubarb an’ pastry.”

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via