Police Chief Faces Racist Probe from “Damn Darkies”

According to a report leaked to the Daily Shitraker by an anonymous source inside the Metropolitan Police Authority (Sergeant Candida Muffrot) an independent investigation has begun into claims of racism against Ms. Catherine Crawfish, the 95-year old Gorgonesque chief executive of the MPA.

In a damning complaint filed with the Lord Mayor of London’s office the Metropolitan Permanently Sun-Tanned Police Association (MPSTPA) allege that Ms. Crawfish has repeatedly discriminated against officers classed by the MPA’s white supremacist ruling Masonic elite as ‘gollies’ and ‘darkies’.

However Metropolitan Police Authority spokeswoman Ms. Chlamydia Crawfish (no relation) informed Pox News it had “full confidence in its chief executive” and the complaints were the work of disaffected Brazilian electrician types, under-achieving Muslim fanatics and whingeing Pakis.

The complaints against Ms Crawfish were first published in a letter to Bonkers Boris Nonsense, London’s Mayor, in December 2008 by the Metropolitan Black Police Association.

Mayor Nonsense, who chairs the Metropolitan Police Authority when not too busy appearing in episodes of Bell Enders, writing columns for gutter press newspapers, hosting TV quiz shows, bonking someone else’s wife, falling over in rivers or riding his daft bike, replied the following month saying that the matter was being dealt with by Ms. Rita Crawfish (apparently no relation), the MPA’s assistant chief executive.

Rita Crawfish told reporters that she was “minded to stay the complaint” against her sister because it conveniently overlapped with other proceedings involving the back-stabbing and scheming Metropolitan Black Police Association.

The MBPA hit back, stating it was “outrageous” that Mayor Nonsense had delegated the complaint to Ms Rita Crawfish, not only Ms. Catherine Crawfish’s deputy but also a close relative.

Eventually, in March 2009, Mayor Nonsense wrote back to the MBPA noting its “deep concern” about Ms Rita Crawfish’s involvement in investigating her own sister and stating that he had appointed Mr. Arthur Crawfish, an independent investigator from Crawfish, Crawfish & Crawfish (Solicitors & Commissioners for Oaths) to deal with the matter.

It then took Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense office a further three months to set up the inquiry.

The MBPA says it has been concerned “for some time” about the conduct of Ms Catherine Crawfish.

In legal papers submitted to investigator Arthur Crawfish, the MBPA accuses her of a “failure to truly hold to account” the senior Masonic members of the Met over race and religious discrimination and equality of opportunity.

The legal documents, seen by the Daily Shitraker, suggest that evidence will be submitted from a whistleblower in Ms Crawfish’s headquarters of an alleged “plot” against the Met’s Commander Ali Barbar, president of the National Black Sheep Association.

The source – who has not been named – (Sergeant Candida Muffrot) allegedly warned Commander Barbar that Ms Crawfish and the police authority were “out to get” him and Tangerine Ali Chuff-Chuff, the Met’s former assistant commissioner who was recently found dead with 47 stab wounds in his back – which Ms. Crawfish opined was the most determined case of suicide she had ever heard of.

The MBPA alleges that Ms Crawfish suffers from chronic cases of ESI (Ego Surpassing Intellect) and UAS (Unqualified Arrogance Syndrome) – and was further reluctant to investigate race discrimination complaints made by her own staff against senior white officers.

Conversely when allegations were made against senior ethnic minority officers she pursued them in the manner of a personal vendetta and witch hunt fashion – and was heard to yell on one occasion “Let’s get the effin’ darkies!”

However the Metropolitan Permanently Sun-Tanned Police Association have now lodged a grievance with the Independent Police Complaints Commission that there are far too many instances of people named Crawfish being involved with the investigation – who have now responded by passing the complaint on to the Minister for Sorting Shit Out – a certain Sir Jarvis Crawfish.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com