Arctic temperatures are now higher than at any time in the last 2,000 years according to a personal report given to Fox News by the dipshit UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon who has just spent the past week wandering around in his underpants and a pair of flip flops north of the 66th parallel to investigate for himself if all this propaganda-driven brouhaha and panic put out by the Al Bore camp and the Carbon Exchange Cap n Trade shysters is founded on truth – or bullshit spewed out from the usual ‘all-for-greater-profits’ anal mechanism.

Ban, a career diplomat who took over the top post at the United Nations from West African Kofi An Tea, carries the derisive sobriquet of ‘Ban-jusa’ – the Bureaucrat – back at home in Seoul – with the Korean press corps maligning him even further by labelling him the ‘Slippery Eel’ due his ability to dodge awkward questions.

While not actually renowned for his extrovert behaviour or mad partying spirit, Ban seems to be negatively branded by his total lack of charisma and being afflicted with cancer of the personality – and having a reputation of putting people to sleep while he’s talking with them.

Ban told the dozing audience of the World Climate Conference in Geneva that many of the more distant scenarios forecast by climate scientists were happening now – such as polar bears dying of heat exhaustion, seals getting skinny and novel varieties of Arctic apples, pears and oranges being grown by Eskimos.

“Scientists have been accused for years of scaremongering. But the real scaremongers are those who say we cannot afford climate action,” he declared in his Geneva speech, prepared by his New World Order masters – calling for global leaders to make bigger pledges to tax their peasant populations of unemployed useless eaters to the hilt in the run-up to December’s UN climate summit in Copenhagen.

Much debate on climate change has centred on the Medieval Warm Period, or Medieval Climate Anomaly – a hypothetical period about 1,000 years ago when, according to Harvard’s prestigious Institute for Advanced Guessology, the Vikings colonised Greenland and may have grown organic grapes at the North Pole in the highly fertile nitrogen-rich snow.

The new ‘Guesstimate’ analysis algorithm shows that temperatures were indeed warmer in this region 1,000 years ago than they were 100 years ago – but not as warm as they are now, or 1,000 years previously – or something like that – give or take a millennium – or two.

* Allergy warning: This article was written in a sub-Arctic nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange declaration: No glaciers, moose, mink seals, walrus, polar bears or mammoth were disturbed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.