Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews

Reporters from the Daily Shitraker have uncovered a secret plan formulated by Sir Erwin Bogbrush – New Labour’s Minister for Orwellian Studies – to send overweight children on a draconian NHS enforced slimming regime.

Tens of thousands of overweight children – some porky slobs as young as four – will be shipped off to Fat Camp, under a Government scheme to tackle obesity.

Primary school pupils identified as being ‘gluttonous little cunts’ will automatically be targeted for a place on a state-funded diet and exercise scheme at the all-new fun and games Camp Auschwitz in the Smegmashire Highlands.

Although parents will have the right to refuse to send their children to Camp Auschwitz, Minister for Anorexia Jacko Kafka hopes the majority will attend – wearing their freebie “Guess who ate all the Pies” confessional t-shirts.

Kafka told the media “These kids are all products of parents swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool – a right old mongrel and mutant mix – no thoroughbred Lipizzaners here – so we’re stuck with the singular option of fixing what’s broke: ‘fixing families that can’t be fixed.”

“If the parents are complete lard arsed basket cases, then we’re going to try and salvage their kids instead.”

Conversely, dissenting parents groups claim the new NHS mandates mean the New Labour government has now moved “beyond a nanny state to being a total dictatorship and a bunch of fascist bastards” – which some compared to them establishing Soviet style gulags or Nazi Hitler Youth indoctrination camps.

Mother of four, 16-year old Feryl Beryl McScrunt, told one reporter from Couch Spud Gazette “These government gits are like the bleedin’ Catholic’s Men in Black – grabbin’ yer kids an’ turnin’ ‘em all inter bum-shaggin’ faggots.”

Mrs. Scrunt was of course referring to the Jesuit slogan of “Give me a child until he is seven, and I will give you the man.”

Department of Education dieticians told reporters kids definitely cannot get fat on the school dinners fare as they have the nutritional value of wet cardboard – and a similar taste.

DoE spokeswoman Fellatia van der Gobble informed a Fux News interviewer “Just take a look into any of these school kitchens – some are so filthy even the cockroaches and rats come out spewing.”

“So the kids bring their own tucker for lunch – crisps, choccy snack bars, cold greasy burgers, muffins and cakies and sugar-loaded crap soft drinks – hence it’s no wonder they’re a bunch of podgy gits.”

However health experts warned that the public branding of young children as ‘fat twats’ – especially so the girls – could damage their confidence, expose them to bullying and trigger further eating disorders until they ended up like Mr. Creosote & Co from Gluttons-R-Us.

Under existing regulations, children are weighed when they start primary school – aged four or five – and again as they leave, at ten or eleven.

Ronnie Porkington, from Slobsford, is one of the children who has benefited from the scheme. His weight on starting school at five years old was a chunky six stones – by the age of ten Ronnie weighed in at a bloated twelve and a half stone.

With a height of only 5 foot 2inches that put him slap dab in the middle of the ‘Fat Gits’ category according to charts of Body Mass Index – a scientific Guesstimate method of measuring how healthy someone’s weight is compared to their size.

But since being referred to the Camp Auschwitz scheme Ronnie is now built like a gypsy’s dog – all dick and ribs – and weighing in at a healthy seven stones – while he has grown to 5 foot 9 inches tall after spending entire nights hanging in trees to escape the ravenous claws of the terror camp’s carnivorous predators.

Ronnie told reporters “It were effin’ great – the first few days I shit meself cos we ‘ad to live outside an’ in caves an’ there’s all kinds of wild animals there – so yer spend ‘alf yer time runnin’ away from big furry things wiv lotsa teeth – an’ there’s eff’ all to eat apart from nettles an’ moss an’ pine cones an’ shit like that – so we killed a wolf wiv cobbles an’ ate that.”

Ronnie’s 26-stone mother Candida says the boost to his self esteem from meeting other children in the same situation made the biggest difference to her son, who is now far more active and spends his spare time practicing Le Parkour free running techniques, stalking the neigbourhood for stray cats to eat – and bullying other adolescent fat gits into signing up for the Camp Auschwitz experience.

Candida informed one reporter from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette “My Ronnie’s great now – a real mean an’ lean fightin’ machine – ‘e won’t go near any of the fried crap I cooks up fer dinner an’ ‘e’s got an Achievement Certificate thingie from Camp effin’ Auschwitz wot qualifies ‘im fer a job as a Junior Gruppenfuhrer wiv the local council’s Snitch Squad wot goes after fatties an’ twats wot put their wheelie bins out on the wrong day.”

Opposition wits on the Parliamentary back benches are currently stirring up malicious gossip and spreading rumours that PM Gordon Brown is going to order the grossly overweight Labour MP for Porkford-on-the-Trotter – John ‘Two Slags’ Prescott – to undergo the two week Fat Camp regimen while wearing an “It were Me – I ate all the effin’ Pies!” tee shirt.

Kidzone Quiz: Are you or your mates a few kilos overweight ? Do you throw up when you see yourself naked in a mirror? Does your mother’s cooking suck? How many meals a week do you eat at your local Chew & Spew fast food joint?

Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a session of junior liposuction therapy and avoid being marched off to the UK’s brand-new Camp Auschwitz junior slimming facility.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com