Hurricane Isaac, New Orleans Mulligan

New Orleans, Louisiana- As New Orleans prepares to be hit by another potentially devastating hurricane, New Orleans officials hit the airwaves proving how they will not screw this one up.

New Orleans Mayor, Mitch Landrieu stated in a press conference earlier today “We’ve totally got this one.”

U.S. Army Corps of Engineers have been hard at work making sure the impact of Hurricane Isaac will “be way, way less than Hurricane Katrina.”

Lt. James Brixton goes on to say “we are so prepared this time around, it’s not even funny. We conscripted many local beavers to help us reinforce our previously damaged and ill designed levy system. No one knows more about containing the unpredictable power of water than the wise beaver.”

Preparations have not been limited to dam preparations. Before Hurricane Isaac was scheduled to hit land, New Orleans officials had been seen handing out pool noodles in low-income households of the city. Landrieu was quoted as saying, “every man woman and child should have adequate access to life saving technology, no matter where they live.”

FEMA Director, W. Craig Fugate, doesn’t expect quite as much destruction with Isaac as there was with Katrina. He reports that “I know we kinda dropped the ball on this Hurricane business last time, but this one’s going to be a breeze. Wait, poor choice of words. It’s going to be a cake walk. Let them eat cake.”

FEMA’s Waffle House test seems to reverberate Fugate’s eased attitude toward the Hurricane. The Waffle House test prioritizes the effect of damage from a natural disaster by the service available at Waffle Houses in the region. The test ranges from full service & fully operational, full service with a secondary power generator, limited menu with generator, to non-operational. Fugate tried relieving perceived tensions by explaining, “So what if you can’t get your hash browns all the way? You can still get them smothered and covered, which is all you really need.”

The Republican National Convention plans to hold a group show prayer, where they plan to pray for the protection and safety to all those living in the projected hurricane path, while simultaneously secretly thanking their deity for allowing them to continue their convention.

At his last press conference, in a field where Landrieu was building a boat capable of holding enough campaign contributors to ensure his re-election, he assured every one that “there is no need to worry. This is what New Orleans does best. We proved before that a Hurricane can’t topple what so many have spent so long to build. With the help of God, nature, and ingenuity, the people of New Orleans will prevail.”

Author: Jason Velez

I'm a stand-up comedian, author of "The Alphabet of Everything I Hate," an artist of sorts, and a rouge writer who's got a weird thing for oxford commas... like, really weird. Like three x's weird. Follow me @velezerraptor on twitter

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