Hey Harley Guy, Yeah Loud, You’re a Dick

I didn’t want to say anything at the stop light because I was afraid you’d kill me, and I know that’s part of your mystique, but seriously guy, with those loud pipes and all, you’re a total dick. Period.

My son is autistic, so when we drive next to each other on the road, he isn’t impressed, he freaks the shizzle out. He loses his ever-loving mind screaming.

The movie we have on the headrest DVD players doesn’t drown out the bleat of your insufferable pipes, and no amount of us rolling up the windows or turning up the music cuts the mustard. It scares him. It makes him think he’s about to die, and he screams bloody murder, and it makes us think we’re about to die.

So while I get that you are “hard core” and that your “loud pipes save lives” and all, the fact is that stats just don’t back it up… what I do know for certain is that my son has special needs and your obnoxious chunk of somehow-exempt-from-laws crapcycle makes him fear for his mortal soul.

You terrify a twelve-year-old boy. You make him think he is about to die. Are you okay with that?

And he’s not alone. You already know that normal people hear your bike and freak out, you love that, and I get it. You have a small-to-no penis situation going on and you feel like you have to make up for it with loud pipes. Yes, kudos and Jimmy-Hat’s off to you, my good sir. Everyone, I assure you, is very, very impressed.

My brother rides a hog. And when he’s done with his wife, he also climbs on his Harley for a leisurly jaunt. Even he admits the pipes are too loud, and he’s a total dickwad asshat like you guys.

The hottest, fastest bikes in the world only purr like a sewing machine. They don’t just kick ass, they rule the world of two-wheels. The rest of you are just insecure posers. Go head-to-head with a CBR-900 and then tell me why you need such free exhaust.

Don’t like it? Well say so in the comments, otherwise I’ll just assume I’m right.

Also, you have small wieners. Just that.

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

4 thoughts on “Hey Harley Guy, Yeah Loud, You’re a Dick

  1. P.S. Hitting below the timing belt. Nice. I’ve woken up to Mr. Small Penis in the morning revving up his hog at 6 a.m. before heading off to his big people job. Unfortunately, if he traded it in for a car, two to one it would be one of those loud muscle cars. So sorry to say, but inconsiderate cads buy noisy toys.

  2. Yes, yes, yes.
    Why these guys think they are so great I don’t know.
    Motorcycles are great, making them roar and disturb everybody in the neighborhood, especially at night, is not.
    It must seem cool to upset people. Let’s see how cool it is when they have an accident, end up in a hospital and have the people taking care of you be the same ones you pissed on with your ‘rebel’ attitude.
    Motorcycling can be a fun thing and a great way to travel, but why share your non-mufflered noise with everyone? I think even motorcycles are outfitted with horns to let people know where you are.

    1. Horns and streamers. That’s what they should have to ride down the street with when charged with noise violations. Better yet, those cute little bells that bikes used to have that went “ring, ring.” Now that was a pleasant sound. And, the streamers. They can fly their colors, but the streamers have to come out the ends of their handlebars. Blowing in the wind so everyone can see how special they are when they ride down the street. It should be a national law.

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