Oil Disaster Pummels Small Pennsylvania Town

GETTYSBURG, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — The latest in a series of disasters has humbled a small town in Northeastern, PA. Naticoke, Pennsylvania, which was well known in the their region for being a major coal mining town in the 1930’s, was sent into a state of shock and panic this weekend. What was recently the scene of village-wide celebration in honor of the grand opening of a new Applebee’s restaurant has turned into a nightmare for many of the town’s four thousand plus citizens.

On Sunday, August 1st 2010 at approximately 2:45 PM disaster struck when an Applebee’s delivery truck capsized spilling nearly twenty-three tons of an oil like substance throughout the town’s main shopping district and town square. All four businesses, including the local beer distributor were affected by the spill.

The town had already been suffering from problems with sewage backup due to a lack of funding for the work force. Now with the spill, the conditions have intensified exponentially as the town is filled with what can only be described as sludge. According to one very respected local citizen who wished to remain anonymous: “I seen some bad shit happen here, but I ain’t seen nothing like this.”

According to reports from Applebee’s, the spill was not the fault of the company but was caused by the poor conditions of the roads in this hilly Pennsylvania town. Applebee’s was gearing up for a huge grand opening including all-you-can -at chili cheese fries set to begin on Monday, August 2nd at 6:45 PM.

Now what was once the biggest event in town history has turned into the worst disaster in Nanticoke since the tragic fire at the We Got Beer distributor in 1985 where over three thousand cases of the local favorite beer, Steigmeir was lost causing riots and destruction.

As of Monday morning, August 2nd, not much has been done to remedy the situation. The scene of the town is somber, to say the least. Many homes which had signs adorning their front yards with slogans such as “Chili cheese fries!!!” and “Let’s go Appelbes!” have reverted back to their simple decor-less facades as signs are being torn down left and right.

There have been reports of local children being stuck in trees as a tee ball field was hit with a tsunami of sludge during a local game on Sunday. Parents and concerned onlookers have surrounded the field from a nearby hill to hold vigil praying for the children’s safe rescue. No attempt has yet been made to retract the preschoolers from the trees as many of the town’s citizens are afraid to set foot in the strange substance.

Jim Mackey, a local mechanic who is currently out of work offered this statement from his resting place at the hill overlooking the field: “You gots to be fuckin crazy to try to walk in that shit. I think it’s meltin the bottom of the trees”. This pretty much sums up the turmoil that parents are forced to deal with as they listen to the wails of their dehydrated children with no hope in sight.

While the spill has largely affected the majority of the town, not all of the residents are viewing this event as painful. Jerry Farbar, owner of the local pierogi shop We Got Pierogis! was not fazed in the least when the spill occurred. Farbar, who claims to have tasted the substance has been working around the clock collecting gallon buckets off of the streets and out of the fields.

Farbar declined an interview, but one local resident reported hearing Farbar yell out “That’s fuckin lard and MSG! I ain’t gotta buy none for at least a year now!”. Whether or not this claim is true cannot be verified. Applebee’s has received criticism in the past for offering high-fat unhealthy meals, but still claims that they only use the highest quality pure vegetable oil in their menu-selections.

BREAKING NEWS: An Applebee’s customer service representative has made a statement that even though the spill was not their fault, they will do everything that they can to help restore order amidst the chaos. The representative confirmed the the board of directors has approved a plan to hand out free spoons and unlimited gallon jugs to any residents who are willing to volunteer to help with the clean-up process.

Early reports indicate that every citizen that is able to collect six or more gallons of the oil and return it to Applebee’s will receive free chili cheese fries for life with every purchase over $50.00 if Applebee’s decides to go forward with the opening of this latest franchise after the situation is resolved.

Marge Dowdy, the local cobbler’s wife has stated that she will encourage her husband to aid in the cleanup starting tomorrow. Today is Marge’s 54th birthday and she and her husband had planned a special night of chili cheese fries consumption. In a brief interview, a despondent Marge stated “I guess we’ll be goin to fuckin Burger King again. That’s what we been doing since the Woolworth’s closed down in 88.”

Unfortunately for Marge, she may have to wait until next year for a special birthday treat. I ask that your prayers remain with the citizens of Naticoke, PA in this horrible time of need.

Author: Sir Matthew Galazin

If anyone is willing to pay me big money for writing or acting, get in touch.

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