Romney Cooks Up New Image for 2012

CHICAGO, IL (GlossyNews) — During an interview in a Chicago bus station on Wednesday, Mitt Romney said, “I think that one of the things that’s very important in running a successful presidential campaign is to make sure that voters can easily recognize what you are known for – those things that really motivate you.” He held up his new signature snow globe with WTF initials inside.

He started to continue with the thought, “And I needed to do a better job to focus my campaign on the economy that’s going to be heating up. I want to be seen as getting the economy right and creating jobs. And whether through my ads, through my responses to debate questions or on the stump, my ‘power alley’ is now going to be the economy. I fully understand why jobs come and why they go. It sure happened to me.”

Then he shifted gears and said “I refuse to be an economic nobody anymore.”

The former governor says that he hasn’t decided about running again in 2012. He’s on an all-out 19-state bus tour to tout the new tell-all book he wrote about the 2008 elections.

“I will finish this tour and then I will have time to collect my, uh, thoughts about whether to run again,” Romney added.

Looking visibly stunned in a rare moment of 20/10 hindsight, Romney predicted that he had lost the 2008 presidential campaign. He said that he would have been better served by keeping the focus on his “power alley.”

Romney noted that after losing the Iowa caucuses to former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and the New Hampshire primary to McCain, that “Sen. McCain went on a nationwide tour. Much like the one I am on right now in Vermont. I think that in New Hampshire you can’t compete with Sen. McCain.”

“So in 2012, there won’t be any McCain distractions for me,” he ventured. “I’m gonna make it my ‘power alley’ focus to repeal this tragic national health care law. I am going to do this simply because it is identical to one I engineered and passed for Massachusetts while I was governor. You can see that I know a lot about health care from my success there as governor. This Obamacare thing isn’t really anywhere close to what I was able to accomplish. They have tried in the press to liken it to my state plan. Well, it’s nothing like it – just look at how much more he is spending than my truly low-cost success in Massachusetts.”

Romney’s speech then took a sudden change in course as he reminded his audience, “Let’s not forget the Mormons and their political interests or the Magic Underwear. I really like their anti-gay marraige agenda for example. That will be another ‘power alley’ issue that I can run on. And I can win that issue, too. You will see that I am not a ‘nobody’ yet.”

Asked who might show street cred as his VP, Romney said, “I have volumes of respect for my fellow Mormon author and chalk-talker, Glenn Beck. He’s got a lot of fans that will vote blindly for anything he tells them. That’s a fine, strong base of support. Blindsided voters are the ones I value most. As for what I feel about Beck himself, I draw a blank as to who and what he is. I guess he strikes me as the epitome of an empty suit.”

“I, however, am a man of vision.” he continued. “I see what others would make obscure – there’s nothing blind about me.”

He stood and gestured with his arm to make his next point, “I now publicly predict that the economy will become important by 2012. And I will not step away from people defining my shoulders as square and wide enough to land a plane on. That’s golden, as Rod would say.” He was referring to his hair idol, the former governor of Illinois and newest lower-rung Trump Celebrity Apprentice reality star.

“I believe in afterthoughts – what I call ‘re-visioning.’ That’s what we need in politics – re-visioning of history so we can finally say that we got it right. Then everyone needs to be re-told when we get it right,” he said flashing a toothy grin. “My newly coined ‘Woe-is-me’ style based on Glenn Beck is beginning to work to my benefit.”

“People tell me I am a little late on this, but if it is of any consolation, I know now that I didn’t really win – I don’t admit that I lost.” He smiled again and said, “I am coming back with my grand re-visions of the ’08 presidential. I will prove that I could have won if more people believed in my vision, if they understood my ‘power alley’ thing. Do you think I say power alley too much? Go ahead, say you do.”

He ended his interview with “I Should have focused on the economy in ’08 rather than my hair. But it sure does look good doesn’t it?”

“Mitt Romney: not the wrong religion — wrong party candid8 anymore”
—Romney 2012 Twitter Campaign Slogan


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