Report: Libertarianism Classified As Mental Disorder

In a development that is stirring nationwide anger, the American Psychological Association has released a report classifying Libertarianism as a mental disorder.

Head researcher Paul Keynes discussed the organization’s findings, which were gleaned from a 10-year study that interviewed and tested over one hundred thousand self-described libertarians. He said:

“What we found is a pattern of mental health in nearly all the subjects which can only be defined as radically separate from the norm. Particularly as time went on, the individuals studied who were most adamant about their Libertarianism exhibited progressively more violent and heightened behavior in contradiction to sensible human standards.”

When asked by the press what some of these patterns were, Keynes responded:

“Well, almost eighty thousand in the sample demonstrated the same trend of behavior during the 2008 and 2012 Republican primaries. Whenever Congressman Ron Paul would win an online poll – no matter how irrelevant, the subjects would run outside, strip themselves naked, and squawk like chickens.”

After getting wind of the new ruling, thousands of libertarians rioted in the streets, profusely cursing the excessive freedom of America.

“This is so f—ing racist, sexist, prejudiced and not pansexual!” screamed Lisa Maroni, who goes by “Lisa Paulbot Liberty” on Facebook.

Taylor John of South Texas added, “We need laws against the APA, which is a hateful and discriminatory organization funded by evil corporations using the free market to enslave us as citizens. I want them dragged out of their homes and arrested for this hate crime! It is time for more regulation!”

Reporters did point out to the protestors that the law does not harm anyone, keeping to Libertarianism’s rule, but none would hear it.

“In the 1950s they were saying interracial marriage is bad – now being Libertarian is a mental disorder! Stop your hateful Libertarianphobia bigotry!”

Sources say President Obama is struggling with his repressed Libertarianism, and may issue a statement soon condemning the APA for “hateful intolerance.”

Author: Veto Votti

Washington, D.C. native stuck in the Alps. I use a typewriter and then copy and paste to my computer doesn't work so well.

4 thoughts on “Report: Libertarianism Classified As Mental Disorder

  1. Idunno. Most libertarians I know are of the Penn Jillette mindset towards religion. But oh well. As long as I don’t share my actual political views here everything should be fine.

  2. Not sure but I think you might have a thing for libertarians. Good news though, they’d support your right to marry them.

    Just kidding, libertarians are just a pathetic re-branding of conservative republicans. They just wore out that welcome. You can’t even marry a dude unless their god says so, which he doesn’t.

Comments are closed.