In a surprise twist, President Joe Biden has selected reality television personality Chumlee to replace Saule Omarova as his nominee for Comptroller of the Currency. Omarova, a Cornell Law School professor and special advisor on the regulatory policy under George W. Bush, withdrew her nomination last week, citing opposition from large financial institutions and Senator John Kennedy’s inability to grasp that she is neither Chinese nor related to Xi Jinping. Disaster struck at Omarova’s hearing after members of the Senate Banking Committee who opposed her approval explained that they only support anti-communist refugees from Cuba.
Today, President Biden announced his decision to nominate Omarova’s replacement, former Pawn Stars cast member Chumlee. Biden had high praise for Chumlee, citing his years of experience working for Gold and Silver Pawn Shop in Las Vegas, his ability to count to at least 12, and no childhood ties to the Communist Party of Kazakhstan. “He’s a good kid,” Biden said of Chumlee, “his working-class background, low intelligence, and affinity for marijuana help him relate to the common American.” Chumlee, who pleaded guilty to a felony weapons charge and a gross misdemeanor of attempted drug possession, disputes this last claim. He told reporters that he has been totally drug-free for “maybe, like, 5 hours,” but plans to adopt an extreme addiction to cocaine in order to help win over the support of Wall Street bankers.
White House insiders have told members of the press that they believe Biden may rescind Chumlee’s nomination after he discovered that a pawn shop is not a recruiting agency for political lackeys and puppets.