Categorized | Music, Politics

J-Lo’s Ass to Secede From the Union

J-Lo’s Ass to Secede From the Union

After months of inflationary pressure and exterior expansion, sources close to J-Lo’s ass are reporting the beefy rump intends to secede from the main body of Ms. Lopez.

The Lopez mainland and expansive rear territory have been “growing apart for some time now,” according to one source. The two entities have diametrically opposing views on expansion; the former wishes to remain conservative to the point of actually liberating unwanted areas back there. The proposed break-away ass, however, seeks near-limitless expansion, and has increased its boundaries extensively over past months.

“That ass is out of control,” said Al Thompson, noted backdoor expert. “I’ve studied asses for over 25 years; this pattern is nothing new. Today, a few inches; tomorrow, it’s requesting separate vacations and an extra seat on SouthWest Airlines. These things take on a life of their own once they get moving, and that thing can move.”

This is, well, quite something... oh my yes.

This is, well, quite something... oh my yes.

While the “Lopez Ass” has been instrumental in gaining their mutual success in years past, the two have recently been witnessed disagreeing over executive decisions such as tea vs. coffee, toast vs. Krispy Kreme, and salad vs. the family val-pack Sarah Lee Bavarian Cream Pie.

While supporters of both factions urge compromise, Ms. Lopez reportedly had expressed willingness to concede the secession with her renowned fat ass. “Booty getting too big for them britches, I say fine, go, who needs you! Jenny from the block ain’t buyin’ no size 16’s.”

The Lopez mainland has it’s fair share of sympathizers. “Damn, have you seen the size of that thing?” said Maid in Manhattan actress Natasha Richardson. “That girl got some serious junk in that trunk. She puts any more juice in her caboose and she’ll need a u-Haul trailer to move it around. I say dump that ass, girl.”

Ass supporters seem predominately male. “Oooh, that butt has got it ALL!” said Maid costar Rolf Fiennes. “I’ll tell you what, that must be jelly ‘cause jam don’t shake like that!” He further added, “Be sure you put an exclamation point on that because ‘damn!'”

The Lopez ass intends to not only secede from Ms. Lopez, but to be paid handsomely for “all attention, accolades and advancements associated with the butt during the course of the Lopez career.” The undisclosed settlement, like the ass itself, will purportedly be paid in two large lumps.

BET has announced that J-Lo may be removed from its rotation if the separation is completed, though her ass has not directly contributed to her singing career. Said one network exec, “Ass put butts in the seats, man. Simple as that.”


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Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.


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