Barry Bonds Thanks Media for Knee Injury

After three knee surgeries in three months, noted steroidphile Barry “Shut the F Up” Bonds has accosted the gritty media for their obvious causal role in creating his physical injury.

Barry Bonds, the one player on pace to break the Major League Baseball all-time homerun record, has hammered his way to fame in past years on a pace akin to the swelling of his head, both literally and egotistically. With 703 home runs in his 19-year career, Bonds will easily obliterate this age old record in the next 200 games. But, thanks to media, much like Glossy News, some wrench has been monkey-chucked into the mix.

Following that third (and presumably final) surgery, King Bonds addressed the waiting media — with his indifferent son in tow — to accost and abuse waiting reporters with accusations of malice. “You guy, all you” said Bonds in answer to who caused his downfall.

My ultra-hybrid German Shepherd pedigree bitch has been eugenized to highest genetic fidelity, and she’s got hip and joint pains aplenty. It’s as if Fifi’s been bred beyond her means, half as if she’s a ballplayer on steroids; you feelin’ me?

If you doubt how we feel about the shrinky-balled Bonds, check out our Bonds’ Asterisk article from WAY before his implication in the ‘roidal-scandal of stellar obviosity. Barry’s easily been juicing since ’97 at the very latest, but as a commercial coward, he’s been wise to deny. We took wicked heat for that old article, but heaven forbid we should have been on to something there, however unpopular it was. Right then? Right now.

But steroidal overpowering aside, his knee damage isn’t attributed to his synthetic hormonal juicing but obviously to the much more visible, likely, and apropriate culprit: the media… um, okay.

Check it. The media is known to cause cancer, priapism and, in many cases, ball and joint failure in steroid-chocked ballplayers. Well, joint problems is us, but the ball failure is all steriods. Shrinky balls, did you not hear me before? I can repeat it all day if it will help.

But the media pressure has been too great. Obviously Barry Bonds has failed and his knee has triple buckled despite the illicit fortitude he’s injected into his bare, black ass for near on a decade. Damn the media, damn the records, damn those silly pee tests and damn those God-damned Wheaties boxes. Wheaties is genetically modified, can’t they appreciate the gravity of the matter?

By his son-by-his-side indifferent lambastery of the media, Mr. Bonds has ambigu-obviously factu-implied he won’t return to professional baseball. Fan reaction is mixed between “F the FDA” and “I love MLB, but ‘roids are too much, you media whore.” Media representatives bragging guilt in the matter have only offered, “WTF ever, he’s just another small-balled juicer; who cares. We’re already covering the normal-balled Ichiro; he’s the real player of the century.

Ichiro’s exciting as hell, but not even Boone accuses him of juicing, and Boone hasn’t exactly been his biggest fan.

But, as a member of the Bonds-critical media, I sincerely apologize. I’m sorry, Mr. Bonds. Sorry your knee failed, sorry you juiced, sorry you lied to your fans and sorry you set records that no one will ever be able to break. They will stand a long time because you are as great a cheater as you probably would have been a ball player.

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.