Every year since Glossy News first started publishing during the Truman Administration, we have made bold predictions about the year ahead – in politics, world affairs, pop culture and advances in cutlery.
Our staff possesses an uncanny ability to peer into the future and predict fascinating events no other prognosticators are able to see. The fact that our predictions historically have had about as much chance of coming true as Lady Gaga has of becoming the next Pope is the only small blemish tarnishing our otherwise stellar reputation.
To show you what we mean, here are a few notable predictions from previous years which would have been newsworthy except for the minor inconvenience that they failed to materialize:
2002: A resoundingly brisk victory will be won in the war in Afghanistan after just 11 months, and a flourishing democracy will spread throughout this previously troubled region. Afghani women will be elected to several prominent political posts, as Pakistan and the USA become bosom buddies.
2004: Facebook, a cheap knock-off of My Space, will implode within six months as “social media” is quickly dismissed as the “mood ring” fad of the decade. In a related prediction, Microsoft will dominate the portable music market with the launch of its Zune music player, forcing Apple to scrap its far less popular iPod and declare bankruptcy.
2005: The chronic problem of gun violence will finally be resolved as House Republicans introduce a sweeping weapons ban backed by the NRA, outlawing everything from semi-automatic guns to crossbows to kids’ BB guns – the lone exception remaining: NERFguns – but only for people over the age of 50.
2006: Despite all the buzz around “cloud computing,” Bill Gates will declare at the Consumer Electronics Show that cloud computing is still several years away from reality as they still can’t figure out how to keep the computers up in the clouds without them falling to earth and landing on people.
2008: It will be another big year for business mergers. In a move that will surprise Wall Street, You Tube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge to become You Twit Face.
2010: The strife-ridden, lawless state of Somalia will reinvent itself and become the tourist destination capital of Africa with its playfully enticing advertising campaign slogan: “Visit Somalia – Come for our beaches. Stay for our pirates.”
The last year one of our predictions came true, the Chicago Cubs were headed for the World Series. So this year, we’ve decided to take a more conservative approach to our annual predictions. We’re feeling pretty confident that a few of these may come true. Here goes:
People in the news: Our managing editor’s neighbor, Bert Zablinski, will, for the 11th year in a row, have the worst maintained lawn in his neighborhood and he’ll continue to borrow our editor’s tools and forget to return them.
Politics: A well-known US congressperson will say or do something boneheaded, jeopardizing his/her political career. It may involve either taking a bribe or having an extra-marital affair or perhaps getting caught on tape picking the New York Jets to win the Super Bowl.
World Affairs: One or more European countries will experience street protests about draconian budget cuts, high unemployment, or Germany still behaving like a bully with demands to please make it stop. To nobody’s surprise, Pakistan will get snubbed by being left off Condé Nast Magazine’s list of Best Places for a Romantic Honeymoon.
Entertainment: Lindsay Lohan will be arrested once again, this time for one or more of the following:
a) driving under the influence
b) possession of an illegal drug
c) violating her court-ordered probation
d) her critically panned portrayal of Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime biopic Liz & Dick
Business: Apple’s profit picture for the year will continue to outperform the results of Glossy News stock performance by a factor of 10,000% or more. Facebook will do something to piss off a lot of people – we predict it may involve accidentally replacing everyone’s FB profile picture with Michele Bachmann’s.
Technology: The USA’s national productivity will be negatively impacted in the year ahead with the introduction of yet another addictive and violent End of the World combat video game with a name like Delta Storm – World of Nihilistic Doom for PlayStation 3, as millions of Gen Y employees blow off hundreds of hours of work time playing these games when they would otherwise be tweeting about their Facebook status.
Sports: The Houston Astros, Jacksonville Jaguars and Cleveland Cavaliers will have as good a chance of making it into the post-season as Paris Hilton has of becoming the next NFL Commissioner.
Let’s check back in a year and see how we did. We may miss a few of these, but we’re pretty sure about the Lindsay Lohan one. You can take that one to the bank.