Within seconds of publishing my article on Rick Perry as future Last Republican President and Johnny Cash Wannabe, my covert stash of hatemail, hater-mail and hateful-male-mail was inundated…
With millions upon billions of complaints about what some people considered to be a disrespectful gay come-on to Rick Perry.
Well, hey! It does appear that for some of you ‘open-minded-within-reason’ folks out there, ‘gay’ and ‘disrespectful’ are pretty synonymous. Still, let me remind you what I said last time.
Although apparently, some of you are unlikely to forget any time soon, cos it clearly means so much to you. You always say:
It actually doesn’t bother me… as such.
Ah! Is that so?
Well then, here is your chance to forget about this ungodly wickedness.
Yup, go and watch some classic Beverley Hills 90210 reruns or something.
Actually, that reminds me. You people did exactly the same with my article on Rick Santorum:
Well hey, why are you folks so obsessed with my allegedly-existent sexuality?
I mean, like I just said; if you don’t care, then why are you always talking about it?
Oh… by the way, Rick, just drop the whole Johnny Cash thing. Seriously…
Still, you can keep the jacket… I kinda like it. You hot-ass sexy thing.
Ouch. My ass.
Ok, calm down, I’m just gonna have to clear things up and prove I am not part of the pernicious and all-too-obvious…
(Epic pause for breath)…
Homosexual/pan-curious-agnostic/metrosexual-race-baiter/secular-feminazi/centre-leaning-fence-sitter…
Lesbianist-Darwinian/Christian-faker/pinko-liberal/atheist-po-mo-extraordinario…
Douchebag-who-spends-ages-fiddling-with-his-wallet-at-the-Walmart-checkout-ian (whew!) agenda.
Sorry, I’ve forgotten a few. Hope you’ll forgive me. You always remind us you are a forgiving kinda people, so here’s your chance to prove it.
Well, I’m going to have to come out of the closet (as it were).
Um…
Sorry to disappoint anyone, but my comments were intended in a purely homo-SOCIAL, Platonic, man-crushy kind of way.
I mean, sorry if this makes my original comments sound a bit less flattering to any solid, faithful godly folks out there. Can’t be helped.
Well, you know what?
Actually, I’ve been kinda feelin’ a bit heterosexual recently…
And people’s sexuality is not something that can be changed at the drop of a hat. Not even with aversion therapy and other violent and abusive practices.
Maybe you should ask your fellow Republican Chris Christie about that one. Hard-core Real Deal Conservatives™ may say he’s a ‘RINO.’ But he once did the right thing with regards to this issue, and gored the hell out of the gay-oppression industry.
Oh, and I said, ‘gay-oppression industry,’ punctuated with a dash; not the ‘gay oppression industry,’ without a dash; the one that you folks are always talking about…
Yes, that one; you know, the Darwinian-homosexualising-vegetarianist-Linux-using etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. one which, as you so ever-helpfully and so ever-hourly-and-minutely take the care to inform us, is treating all you authentic, innocent and god-fearing Christians far, far worse than Hitler ever dreamed of treating the Jews.
Yup; subtle difference. ‘Gay-oppression’ versus ‘Gay Oppression.’ Punctuation matters, huh? Every jot and tittle, as you say.
And, funnily enough, Christie didn’t even need to make a striking fashion statement in order to get his message across. He’s a Republican who once stood up for gay people and made the right policy measure; regardless of all these silly, petty disputes about jackets!
Well, some fairly photogenic political celebrities in the public eye could probably learn from that, huh?
I mean, you know there’s something wrong with your political career, when your cinematic career and clothing choices are hot topics and subjects of passionately sexy admiration; but a lot of your actual political work is stuff that people can’t even bear to think about.
Don’t worry; there’s still time to end your war against yourself and your ethical conscience. Faith has always made you strong… and a leap of faith towards sexual toleration or even tolerance will make your character even stronger again.
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Oh, and Rick, by the way…
The editor nearly killed me for writing at this length. So consider yourself honoured, handsome!
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