Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

One or two people might have been offended by the information included in my recent scoop on the normally rather narcophobic Dalai Lama’s views on war crimes. But unfortunately, no apology or clarification from His Exalted Phatness has been forthcoming…

Nor even an edgy lawsuit!

Instead, I have a second blunder to report (with all the wide-eyed sincerity a cynical satirical hack can muster).

Well, what is it this time?

Hmm… everybody’s favourite non-judgmental, peaceful and achingly groovy religious leader has given a word from the wise to all those bigoted, ignorant, lawless, and unenlightened folks who look down on heroin dealers.

Read it and learn, chip:

You know, as I have said many times, my way is a Middle Way. A lot of people hold extreme and one-sided views on dealing heroin.

Indeed: some, from the stage of enlightenment to which they have thus far proceeded, believe that dealing narcotics is always wrong, especially what some call “strong” narcotics. Others also take an extreme view, saying that narcotics are completely permissible in every way.

However, my opinion is different. I believe that if you want to know whether it is right to sell this ounce of heroin to your friends, to your colleagues, to your ailing grandmother, to that eight-year-old kid next door, even to that stray hick dog or exotic illegal iguana that always leaps over your fence and craps on your geraniums…

Yes… you must first examine the motivation. The heart is key.

Indeed, the heart is key. Do you intend to provide a valuable and convenient public service at low cost to your acquaintances? Or do you merely wish to profit from the suffering of others?

Yes… this is, I believe, the most important consideration. Are you motivated by compassion or concern, or by mere neoliberally-commercial greed and materialist malice?

But the Chinese Communist Party are actually extremely critical of these wise words:

A piece in People’s Daily opines:

Narcotics, especially heroin, can cause a lot of damage to everyone! Who does this so-called Lama think he is fooling when he talks about heroin in such a manner?

Yet, Oprah Winfrey has leapt to the defense of her hero. An impassioned Oprah has said:

You know what? People criticize His Holiness the Dalai Lama all the time. Why don’t they criticize, say, televangelists or the Pope? There’s obviously some terrible double standard being applied here.

Yeah… I mean, when have you ever heard all those impolite, crass, and ignorant twitter users criticizing the Reverend Billy Graham or Pastor Pat Robertson; or even vilifying any high-ranking Catholic?

I don’t know, really…

Still, although this may be merely anecdotal evidence, most of the heroin dealers in my city actually look a bit sinister. I’m going to have to pass on this one. I don’t fancy ending up in the gutter, missing a limb or two, pleading for someone to put me out of my misery.

Still, it’s not hard to find someone to give me a shot or two to kill the pain, if need be. Well, providing their heart is in the right place.