An unusually combative Janet Bryce-Flaverhaven spoke to reporters this week as she unveiled the long awaited 2011 NPR schedule.
The venerable broadcasting behemoth, much loved by hundreds of listeners, has been a topic of much recent scrutiny. The reflexive firing of an African-American that somehow didn’t involve Agriculture Secretary Vilsack has prompted some to consider all things NPR.
NPR COO Bryce-Flaverhaven curtly dismissed all Juan Williams questions, saying, “That is so three weeks ago, and who let you FOX News idiots in here anyway?”
Bryce-Flaverhaven’s emphasis was on introducing a bold new vision for NPR that will re-brand public radio as a dynamic competitor with AM talk radio. The planned 2011 slogan is to be, “Not your weird spinster Aunt’s radio anymore, but we hope she keeps listening.”
The new programming lineup will be anchored around a three hour call-in segment to be hosted by Kato Kaelin, of OJ Simpson infamy. The show is tentatively to be titled ‘Kato listens to America.’
An elaborately coiffed Mr. Kaelin briefly took the podium to echo his enthusiasm for the project. “I am totally spiked and I’m not jizzing you on this one. I’m so looking forward to moving out of Molly Ringwald’s tool shed.”
Ms. Bryce-Flaverhaven went on to explain the exciting Kato Kaelin show will be followed by another call-in show, “Who wants to be a pseudo-intellectual?” Callers will compete for prizes by answering questions about how Conservatives are trying to destroy our nation.
Bryce-Flaverhaven waxed particularly enthusiastic in discussing the new NPR late night schedule, and the anticipated internet interactive opportunities. “Guess Michael Moore’s weight” is expected to be a favorite with the targeted demographic, bored college students and leftover hippies grasping for relevance.
Said the NPR COO in her closing remarks, “At the end of the day, we must avoid clichés like the plague, and think outside the box. We at NPR must maximize our synergies to win in this rapidly evolving media market. At least that’s what our corporate sponsors, Archer Daniels Midland and the Aetna Insurance group tell us. We’re not Liberal; we’re simply serious journalists who wish Conservatives dead.”
Edward R. Murrow could not be reached for comment, because, according to his publicist, he’s busy spinning in his grave.