Inspired by the success and the popularity of Marvel Comics ‘Iron Man’ movie series, Dick Cheney has decided to use the millions he gathered during his tenure as the head of Halliburton and as the shadow head of the United States of America to reinvent himself as a new superhero- Oil Man.
Tired of being seen as just another greedy bastard who could do whatever he wanted he now wanted to be another greedy bastard with super powers who could do whatever he wanted.
The Great Dick borrows heavily from the Iron Man character in that Tony Stark, aka ‘Iron Man’, in the comic versions has a heart condition that is strengthened by the armor suit his character wears when he goes off to fight the baddies.
Other similar traits from the comic are that both Stark and Cheney are super industrialists with immense wealth and power at their disposal. After that the similarities end. Starks character has built his empire through ingenuity and hard work- Cheney’s is through mole-like undermining of the political system and ruthless power grabbing. Stark is stylish and personable- Cheney has the personality of a well dressed scarecrow.
Stark uses wit, charm and negotiation to achieve his goals- Cheney has the bludgeoning force of a jack hammer on concrete. One other really major difference is that Iron Man goes after the bad guys while Oil Man IS one of the bad guys.
Donning a specially designed costume made by Slimy Characters, a division of Halliburton Corporation that makes special oil protection suits for its workers, Cheney ventured out upon his first calling last week attacking a band of Obama staffers working to bring troops back from Iraq.
Screaming “Traitors!” as he swooped down upon them, Super Cheney incapacitated them by spraying them with his wrist mounted oil dispersal device, then scooped them up and dropped them in the Potomac, not caring that he polluted it by doing so.
Then, using special Homeland Security ear implants that enable him to hear private conversations miles away, Oil Man overheard two slackers talking about how cool the latest Micheal Moore movie is. Oil Man flew down and kiboshed their butts until they were cringing like Abu Ghraib detainees.
Cheney hopes the ‘New Me’ persona will make him more lovable and acceptable to the post -Bush America, much in the way that tickle me Elmo is.