Internet sex work giant, subscription service, and simp-haven OnlyFans has permanently banned President Trump from utilizing its website. In a statement released on January 9th, the company wrote, “In light of the recent railing of our precious democracy by rioters, aroused by the vigorously obscene rhetoric of our Commander-in-Chief, we at OnlyFans have decided we will not afford President Donald Trump the opportunity to continue molesting the firm foundations of the American republic through virgin channels he has yet to take advantage of.” With this announcement, Trump has officially been banned from every major social media platform, including Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, MySpace, carrier pigeons, and office cork boards. The president has also been retroactively banned from Google+, AIM, Tout, and Vine. The company regards the President’s months-long attack on the integrity of the 2020 election as “wildly inappropriate” and the January 6th storming of congress by his supporters as “utterly unsuitable for young children.”
The company’s spokesperson, the physical embodiment of human lust, told the press that the company hopes that other leading e-sex work platforms will follow suit. “We’re calling on all pornography and sex work sites to create a thick barrier of protection around our nation’s vulnerable democracy and block the president from using their websites to further impregnate the Republican Party with Social Media transmitted disease-like conspiracy theories.”
While many Trump voters on Twitter have been quick to LARP as if they intend to boycott Twitter, Trump-supporting OnlyFans users have been left devastated and deeply conflicted, with one admitting through tears “I know what I must do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” Meanwhile, Trump’s administration is working on filing a lawsuit against the company. His legal team had harsh words for the executives responsible for Trump’s ban from the platform, with Alan Dershowitz commenting “Only Fins? What’s an Only Fins?” The company was savaged as being a “totally lewd and disgusting website” by Trump’s personal lawyer, adulterer, and man who married his own second cousin, Rudy Guiliani. In a Facebook post, Team Trump announced that Don Trump, Jr. has been doing countless hours of tireless research for their lawsuit alone, in his room, with the door locked.