WASHINTON D.C– Today, Secretary of the Department of Defense Mark Esper unveiled a strategic offensive to counteract the growing threat of excessive water usage. Sec. Esper noted that the US intelligence community have issued recent reports on the link between immoderate water usage by the US military and the likelihood of Iran possessing weapons of mass destruction. Sources close to the secretary also made mention of food giant Nestle expressing interest in the US government curbing its water usage. Nestle CEO Ulf Mark Schnieder has, in the past, promoted water conservation so that his company can ensure access to clean drinking water is for the low price of $1.99 as a universal human right.
Esper laid out his four-pronged plan of attack, labeling excessive water usage a “pervasive form of communism.” Detailing the initiative’s first facet, Esper told the press that the Department of Defense will implement a “shower buddy” protocol, with military personnel being assigned a partner to share a showerhead with for at least 50% of their regular bathings. The former Lieutenant Colonel believes this will boost morale, improve esprit de corps, and maximize hygiene, as it will allow for soldiers to engage in “pair grooming, similar to gorillas.”
The Defense Secretary then went on to say that reducing the amount of water used in military kitchens would function as the second plan to annihilate water waste, dubbing it the “Culinary Theater.” He acknowledged that cooking and preparing food for the troops was a very water-intensive part of providing fuel for America’s war machine. H2O can comprise up to 70% of the volume of gruel, mystery meat, depending on how benevolent the cooks are on any given day. Esper explained, “Phase two of our attack strategy will evacuate the kitchens of water-intensive foodstuffs, and resupply them with more drier foods such as crackers, cardboard, nuts, and crayons, which will no longer be a Marine-exclusive food item.” The DOD hopes to “toughen those generation Z softies up” by depriving them of both nutrients and fluids. “Back in my day, ” Esper added, “hog feces and rancid cat meat was considered dessert. Today’s soldiers could use a little malnourishment and dehydration.”
The third and final implementation will be to drastically reform the military’s practice of waterboarding. “We have come to the conclusion that water is far too precious a resource to waste torturing Middle Easterners,” remarked Esper. He further elaborated that the DOD had settled on substituting water with gasoline. Esper commented that the switch to petroleum would have the triple-benefit of “soothing hippie environmentalist concerns about putting oil back in the ground or whatever, boosting demand for oil so we can invade more Middle Eastern nations, and conserving dihydrogen monoxide use.”
It remains unclear when the plan will go into effect, but Esper and the Pentagon intend to tackle the water crisis within the military “as soon as possible” to ensure “our overlords at both Nestle and Raytheon are kept satisfied.”