SUSSEX COUNTY, DELAWARE– The junior senator from Delaware, Chris Coons, held a press conference to formally announce reconciliation with the new wave of racial justice protests surrounding his last name. Profusely apologizing to white people on social media, Sen. Coons told the media he had filed paperwork to change his legal name, dubbing it “a small price to pay to ensure I don’t have to focus on drafting substantive legislation.”
The Senator announced his legal name change amidst an outcry from tens of Twitter users and the creation of a fearsome change.org petition, threatening to do absolutely nothing in regards to endangering the Senator’s career. “It’s absolutely ridiculous that an elected official in the year 2020 would continue to bear a name that hurts my feelings so much,” said one user, desperately attempting to get clout. One verified twitter account lambasted Sen. Coons, tweeting angrily, “As a white, liberal ally of the black and brown community who donates to the NAACP out of guilt, I am indignant.”
The senator addressed the firestorm surrounding his name, saying, “For far too long, my family has held on to a Western European surname that is also, by pure coincidence, the plural form of a racial epithet.” Feigning regret and remorse, he continued, telling his constituents that “it is absolutely unacceptable” that his last name “ever existed prior to the slur in question rising to popularity in the early 1800s.”
The senator vowed to further his commitment to fighting for racial justice by frequently calling President Trump a racist and morally grandstanding during times of national division in the future. Coons also mentioned that national news of his press conference, riddled with crocodile tears wiped away by fist-fulls of pharmaceutical company campaign contributions, would serve as a wonderful distraction from the fact that Delaware’s poverty rate has increased in recent years despite a national downtrend.
Defending his moral character, the Senator reaffirmed his commitment to both standing against racism and ensuring that Delaware remains a wonderful tax haven for corporations making record profits. “Throughout my years in politics, I’ve been labeled a spineless corporate shill, a Todd Packard knock-off, a discount Vizzini from the Princess Bride, the physical embodiment of a circus peanut, and a milquetoast career politician. Though all of these are completely accurate, two charges I will never lend credence too are purposefully upsetting hyper-woke liberals on Twitter and being a racist.”
At the conference’s end, the Senator announced his new surname to the nation. “After much deliberation, I have chosen and submitted paperwork to officialize my new legal name: Christopher Negro.” Elaborate on the thoughtful meaning behind his choice of surname, Soon-to-be Senator Negro explained, “I wanted to pay homage to my state and while also standing in solidarity with the black and Latinx communities without having to leave the safety of my mansion in Wilmington. Thus, I thought it would be fitting to choose the surname Negro, after the beautiful Negro Island in Prime Hook National Wildlife Refuge, right here in Sussex County.” After a painfully long, perplexed silence from the audience, the senator continued, stammering about how “negro has the added bonus of being both a Mexican word and black people word.” Visibly sweating in an air-conditioned room, the senator exited the room to the sound of innumerable sighs and facepalms from his staff and reporters.
His communications director could not be reached for comment and has reportedly been placed on suicide watch at a nearby hospital.
After the conference, Sen. Coons attended a private fundraiser where he assured real estate companies that he would continue to fight just a little bit harder for their tax breaks than he would for civil rights and criminal justice reform.