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‘The Onion’ Publishes an Issue of True Stories

‘The Onion’ Publishes an Issue of True Stories

Foxpeter Grove, MD (GlossyNews) — The Onion, America’s premier satire and humor newspaper, shocked the literary world today by publishing an issue of ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORIES!

The US’s flagship smart-ass site today reported on several newsworthy incidents that actually happened. On page two, the Great O reported on a woman who, about to take a snort of cocaine found that the powder formed a perfect picture of the Virgin Mary. The woman, however, was a devout Buddhist (except for snorting cocaine) and snorted it up anyway. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Names New South America Bureau Chief(s)

Glossy News Names New South America Bureau Chief(s)

South America (GlossyNews) — Industry insiders are saying reclusive, mysterious media titan Brian K. White has struck again, in his seemingly relentless march to replace Rupert Murdoch as the planet’s leading purveyor of nonsense.

In the wake of famed journalist Blake Pennywhistle’s mysterious disappearance, White spoke to reporters today from a secure, undisclosed location. “Nobody will miss Blake more than I. It puts a hole in my heart that will forever be there, blah blah blah. I’m glad he’s not sending e-mail to my teenage daughter any more, I will say that. I don’t think space aliens abducted Blake, mostly because I don’t know what space aliens would want with $7358 in cash that seems to be missing. Continue Reading

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Deepak Chopra Finally Admits: We’re Screwed

Deepak Chopra Finally Admits: We’re Screwed

State of Denial – Mind-Body Medicine guru Deepak Chopra, author of such books as “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” and “The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire,” has done a complete about face and is now giving lectures based on his belief that the time for fixing things is over.

“They didn’t listen to me,” says Chopra. “I wrote book after book spelling it out for them and they still are choosing to be ignorant and haphazard in the way they go about their lives. Continue Reading

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Man killed by Laura Bush in Car Crash Demands Royalty Cut

Man killed by Laura Bush in Car Crash Demands Royalty Cut

Mike Douglas, the young man killed by Laura Bush in a car crash in 1963, has demanded a cut of the royalties from her upcoming memoir. The book is being promoted entirely on the fact that Bush killed Douglas in a car crash and now feels bad about it. Sort of. In fact, the promo mixes up some kind of religious horseshit on top of the tragedy to make Bush come out some kind of hero. Continue Reading

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Second Dumbest Man on Earth Ghost Writes Bush Memoir

Second Dumbest Man on Earth Ghost Writes Bush Memoir

Odessa, TX (GlossyNews) — Larry Kones, known as the Second Dumbest Man on Earth, has completed the memoir of the presidency of George W. Bush hitting the discount bins at bookstores nationwide on November 9. Ghost writer Kones was chosen from a pool of candidates known for their breathtaking lack of intelligence. A few of the runners-up were a worm, a piece of corn, a glass of water and a pickle. But Kones won out because of his impressive resume that includes lengthy stints as a hanger untangler for Goodwill, skyhook operator, professional snipe wrangler and his efficient “hunt and peck” typing style. Continue Reading

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Libraries to Start Charging for Books

Libraries to Start Charging for Books

Bangor, ME (GlossyNews) — The Association for Library Associations’ director June Cleaver spoke to reporters this week to unveil a new library management scheme. Ms. Cleaver, resplendent in pearls and a powder blue dress, was upbeat on ALA’s new business model. Continue Reading

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New Conservative Book: Everything We Know About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten

New Conservative Book: Everything We Know About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten

The Republican Party in conjunction with FOX News is celebrating their collaborative publishing effort, a new book called ‘Everything We Need To Know About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten’. Its publication has started such a buying frenzy among their constituents who can read that it rivals the success had by the coming out of Sarah Palin’s ‘Going Rogue’. The pundits of both groups are partying like it’s 1899. Continue Reading

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Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (4 of 4)

Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (4 of 4)

This is an excerpt from N. A. Kay’s newly published illustrated novel Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man, illustrated by Daniel Meisels.

***

Standing up to Intelligence

Chicken Butt thought he was smart, intelligent, insightful, and many other positive adjectives, but – as we all know – he was a contemptible chicken of a man. C. B.’s ego was always thinking up new ways to reinforce Chicken Butt’s bloated perception of himself. Actually, C. B.’s ego was really quite brilliant at it – as we have already seen. Anyways, C. B.’s ego, which for the purposes of this story we will refer to as The Great One from here on out, was lounging around dreaming up new ways to trick a loathsome chicken into believing that he was made for and of greatness. Continue Reading

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Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (3 of 4)

Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (3 of 4)

This is an excerpt from N. A. Kay’s newly published illustrated novel Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man, illustrated by Daniel Meisels.

***

The Flies and the Bugs

As I’ve mentioned many a time before, Chicken Butt, though he was a chicken, wasn’t an ordinary chicken. When he was entering adolescence he heard many ideas of what it meant to be a man, and, as most of us know, most of them revolve around sex. But Chicken Butt didn’t really get the idea of sex because he’s a chicken and everyone else was human – none of the females from his species were around. As such, he was much more interested in other male phenomenon. And from his pea-brained cognitive abilities, he came up with a theory, a theory to explain a male conundrum to men, women and humankind alike. He took it so seriously that he even wrote it down. Here it is for your viewing pleasure: Continue Reading

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Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (2 of 4)

Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (2 of 4)

This is an excerpt from N. A. Kay’s newly published illustrated novel Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man, illustrated by Daniel Meisels.

***

The Fierce and the Faint of Heart

Chicken Butt – being a chicken and all – was scared of many things; commitment, asserting himself, spiders, rodents, insects with more than two legs, household pets, domestic animals, public transportation, public restrooms, flea markets, grocery stores, supermarkets, almost all types of salads, computer games, video games, arcades,  televisions, advertisements, colour printers, police officers, mothers, fathers, adults, children, babies, women, swivel chairs, load noises, republicans, democrats, independent parties, soldiers, spies, C.I.A. agents, F.B.I. agents, liquid and bar soap, hand sanitizer, watches, cherries, cherry pits, microwaves, sidewalks – in general, everything outside of his chicken-brain. Continue Reading

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Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (1 of 4)

Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (1 of 4)

This is an excerpt from N. A. Kay’s newly published illustrated novel Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man, illustrated by Daniel Meisels.

***

Through the Chicken Brain

He was not a man, rather a chicken – the biggest chicken the world has ever spawned. Chicken Butt weighed one hundred and forty pounds and stood at six feet, making him the largest chicken that ever lived. He stood on gargantuan chicken legs which devolved into his chicken buttocks – the largest chicken-butt in recorded history – hence the name his parents gave him. The rest of his body seemed like that of a normal human, and, because of the fact, Chicken Butt was able to roam the streets as a regular man. Continue Reading

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Journalism Facing a New Dilema- Outsourcing

Journalism Facing a New Dilema- Outsourcing

A new financial horror for professional English language writers has come about. It seems that in our modern times even written articles are being outsourced to other countries. Publishers on a number of freelance writers’ websites are requesting 500-page written articles on specific subjects. Continue Reading

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Class Action Suit Says Hef Screwed Playboy

Class Action Suit Says Hef Screwed Playboy

LOS ANGELES / Chicken Ranch, NV — Hugh Hefner, long living the good life on the Playboy dime, has been sued for refusing to give it up for the sake of his failing company.

The stockholder class action suit is known as the “Cocktail Napkin Suit” because it was written and submitted on a stack of well-used cocktail napkins (referred in court as CN). It also continued the suit’s statements and claims on several ripped junk mail envelope backs (referred in court as JEB). Continue Reading

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Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Yields McCain Tell-All Backdoor Book

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Yields McCain Tell-All Backdoor Book

Senator John McCain’s fierce stance against repealing the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” law has brought about speculation of his hatred for homosexuals. While McCain cites the hardships that military members face in Iraq and Afghanistan, many others are accusing the senator of attempting to bury his own skeletons. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Politics4 Comments

Salinger Grocery Lists to be Published

Salinger Grocery Lists to be Published

The literary world was shocked this week by news of J.D. Salinger’s death. Author of the iconic coming of age tale Catcher in the Rye, Salinger died at his New Hampshire home, aged 91. The non-literary world was shocked that he was so old.

The beloved writer was also famous for decades of reclusiveness and for his refusal to have any works published for the last forty-five years. So mourning has mingled with excitement, amid speculation new Salinger works might soon be available in print. Continue Reading

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Wikipedia Reporting that J.D. Salinger Faked His Death

Wikipedia Reporting that J.D. Salinger Faked His Death

Iconic author J.D. Salinger is alive and well and resting comfortably on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, according to an Associated Content report. Mr. Salinger, 91, is thought to have returned to his first love, the sea, because he increasingly felt that “a land-based existence was an invasion of his privacy.” Continue Reading

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