Hiya Folks!–Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin comin’ at ya from my hometown of Wasilla in the great state of Alaska.
Case ya’all didn’t hear, I’m runnin’ for the U.S. Congress to wipe out those Libs and Commies ruinin’ our country. And I know I’ll win, cuz the people don’t elect Congressmen, God does. He’s on our side.
One big reason why I’m so popular is because those hockey moms love me. They all were for me when I was the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate in ’08 and they’ll all be for me now. Remember what I said at the Republican Convention that year–the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?–Lipstick. That got the folks cheerin’ and a-hollerin’ like crazy for me. Who knew I was so witty?
There’s all this zip-a-dee-doo-dah about other candidates runnin’ against me. I hear there might be at least 50. The pundits say the polls don’t look so hot for me right now. Heck with that. Polls are for strippers and Olympic cross-country skiers.
I have the strong endorsement of my friend, Donald Trump the greatest president ever which ensures we’ll be celebratin’ our victory on Election Night.
Yeah, I can see Russia from my snowmobile, those horrible Ruskies like Vladimir Putin who ya betcha will be scared to death of what I’ll do to them once I’m sittin’ in D.C., a place full of them elitist snobs who look down their noses at God-fearing, red-blooded and patriotic gun-lovin’ distinguished Americans like Congresswoman Margorie Taylor Greene and the leaders of the Proud Boys.
If Vladimir Putin rears his head and thinks he can violate the air space of the United States of America, he better have another think coming. Like I always say, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke like Putin is a good guy with a nuke.
First thing I’ll vote for when I get to Congress is to bring back waterboarding as official U.S. policy to defeat our enemies in God-forsaken countries like Iran, Cuba, and Africa–waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists.
Ok, ya might have heard, I haven’t won yet my libel suit against the New York Times, a paper probably owned by some pointy-head Commie. I never read that piece of toilet paper, or anything else like it, run by high-falutin’ left-wingers who don’t care about real Americans. Once I’m in D.C., I’ll get even with the Times for defecating against my reputation with a law that says don’t ya dare defecate against people who love our country like I do.
We have those corrupt biased newspaper reporters claiming I’m runnin’ so I can go back to being what they call, quote, a “C-list” political celebrity. C-list? What’s that, like a C-section? C Drive? They have the audacity to say I’m famous for being famous, like Paris Hilton and the Kardashians? Bullfeathrers.
Americans expect us to go to Washington for the right reason, and not just to mingle with the right people. Here’s a little shout-out and newsflash to those nasty reporters and commentators: I’m not goin’ to Washington to seek their good opinion. I’m goin’ to Washington to serve this great country.
Another thing I’ll do right away once I get to D.C. is repeal Obamacare. You can’t have free health care, it’s anti-American. You either get free stuff or you get freedom. You cannot have both. You need to make a choice between havin’ health care or keepin’ your liberty.
Climate change? Whoop-de-do. Fake news.
It’s snake oil science, those studies about the earth warming up. Who doesn’t love the smell of emissions?
If a moose has to be shot for us to be energy independent, I say, Mister Moose, sorry, you gotta take one for the team.
Climate change is like gravity-it’s there–a naturally occurring phenomenon that existed long before and will exist long after you and I have gone to Heaven and after any governmental attempts to destroy it.
Unfortunately, we have those people who want to get rid of Thanksgiving and call it Indigenous Peoples’ Day or something stupid like that.
We started Thanksgiving for real Americans, not Indians. This is a Christian nation. If it wasn’t for the pilgrims, the natives would still be running around in loin cloths and shooting at things with their arrows. Don’t let them take Christmas away from us either. And remember, we say Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays. That’s for people who hate Christians.
Once I’m in office, I’ll be committed to workin’ every darn day for everyday American people like Joe Sixpack and hockey moms across the nation. So let’s commit ourselves to never again let the common folks be exploited by those hockey pucks who would take away our freedoms and liberty. We need leaders who’ll stand up for the little guy and listen once again.
So come up to my Alaska sometime and see why we love it here so much. We’ll take ya out for some old-fashioned bear huntin’ and fix ya up real good, ya betcha.